Soulshine

“I’m in the mood for something I’ve been missing Would you give it to me?... I need huggin’ I need kissin’ I need affection. Do you wanna go deeper baby Can you touch my soul? Are you man enough to give me what really counts? Can we move beyond below the waist? Understanding can be oh so sexy That lovin’ feeling is what I’ve been missing. I need affection. Don’t matter if your young or old Don’t matter if you’re straight or gay Everybody needs to feel loved.” Jody Watley, Affection (1995) Prior to recovery, many of us spent our entire lives seeking affection from all of the wrong people; while some of us desperately wanted affection, but we were too afraid to receive it from anyone. I always wanted the “right” person to drop out of the clouds for me; embrace me, kiss me and love me passionately forever. And, of course, that never happened. Even if it had, I would have been too afraid to accept the affection I so desperately wanted. Fir...

“You turn me inside out You tell me what it's all about To make the tears run dry You turn me inside out And I don't have the slightest doubt Cause I can see You can see What's really inside of me What's really inside of me.” Culture Beat, Inside Out (1994) Sometimes we meet the person who can truly see inside of us. And sometimes, as we progress in recovery, we can begin to see inside of others. I remember back in 1996, after being in recovery for nearly a year, a friend telling me “You’re terrifying me.” I questioned why and he said that I was gaining so much insight so quickly through my recovery program that he was afraid that any day I would be able to see right through him; see through to all of his addictive shenanigans, to all of his weaknesses and to how he actually felt about himself. Truth was, he was too late to be worrying about it. I had already seen through him. I had seen past his tough, power-driven exterior that projected a fals...

Manipulation : to control or play-upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one's own advantage; to force change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose. Every codependent is familiar with manipulation. We have all engaged in manipulative behavior for the express purpose of getting from others what we were not willing to give to ourselves—namely love. In fact, for the non-recovering codependent or addict, manipulation becomes a way of life, a survival skill. We need to be needed or loved and so we engage in manipulative behaviors, like people-pleasing and caretaking. We falsify how we really feel about this or that in order to please (manipulate) someone into loving us. We bend over backwards to meet the needs of another person, not because we truly love and care about him/her, but because we want to manipulate him/her into appreciating us and making us feel good about ourselves. But there are other forms of manipulation that we,...

“I gotta new life You would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother When you're not the one for me Ooooo, is enough, enough? For so many years I've wondered who you are How could a person like you bring me joy? I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you I've left you I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign.” Lyrics from The Sign by Ace of Base In every codependent relationship we have ever been in, we have seen “The Sign” of addictive attraction. It pops up before our faces and flashes like neon across our blinded-by-addiction eyes; and, of course, we choose to ignore it. There are many warning signs that pop-up from the moment we find ourselves being emotionally or romantically drawn to a toxic person. These signs are sometimes referred to as Red Flags, and they exist for a reason. They are present...

“Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date,” asks Charlie. Mr. Anderson pauses briefly, then responds, “Well… We accept the love we think we deserve.” The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012 The film The Perks of Being a Wallflower is all about people (high schoolers to be exact) who think they don’t deserve love. Charlie, Sam, Patrick, Mary Elizabeth, Brad, Ponytail Derek: None of these people think they are deserving of real love. Charlie was sexually abused as a child by his Aunt Helen. She died in a tragic car accident as she was on her way to buy five year old Charlie a birthday present. He blames himself for her death and for the fact that she abused him. Sam was also sexually abused as a child by her father’s business partner. Since that time she has accepted sex from every creep who would have her.   Patrick is Sam’s gay step-brother. It’s the 1980s and being gay isn’t as acceptable as it is today. Patrick is bold enough to b...

“I want what I want and I want it now!” is a favorite mantra for most addictive personalities. Actually across the United States , it’s a favorite mantra for most everyone. I know a young couple. They are both college professors and they are lucky enough to be working at the same university. But they hate the city they are living in. They’ve sent out dozens of resumes, but nobody is knocking the door down to hire them. And they’ve made the conscious (or maybe unconscious) choice to be miserable about it all. Why? Because they want what they want and they want it now—and, unfortunately for them, the world isn’t responding to their demands. Common sense has something to say about this. First it shows how spoiled and impatient we are. Instead of making unreasonable demands, instead of choosing to be miserable, this couple could be focusing what they do have. For example, they have each other in a good marriage. They also have good jobs in their chosen professional fields at ...

“I learned through weaknesses And through the web of your lies That everyday I live Another piece of me dies And in the black and white I found a need to move on To find a road of gold A throne to live upon.” Cause & Effect, It’s Over Now (1994) Sometimes we have to be careful when we feel the need to find that “road of gold.” Is it really a “need” to grow more fully into who we are, or is it a “compulsion” to escape from life—and primarily to escape from ourselves? I often feel trapped or stuck. Suddenly I’m not happy with my career, with the work I’m doing, with my surroundings or with the people in my life. I long to trash it all, to pick myself up and to travel down that road of gold. I tell myself I could flourish so much more in California ; in Los Angeles , San Diego or San Francisco . I’d be free—free to be me, free to enjoy life, free to be more fully creative. And that may all be true. Or it may be that I am simply wanting to escape fro...

Valentine's Day. Make a proposal to yourself. Look in a mirror and say "Be My Valentine."  Feel love for yourself. Accept the proposal. Be your own Valentine.  Buy yourself a rose today. Smell it. Feel the softness of its petals, see the beauty of it's colors. Take yourself out for a nice lunch or dinner. Cherish yourself today. YOU'RE WORTH IT.  Be yourself.  Love who you are.  Make that CHOICE.  Be the person who fills and fits your heart!

I’m learning that there is a fine line between the desire to lose yourself in someone and the desire to simply be with someone. So, how do we know when we’ve crossed over the line? We all have the need to be with others, and sometimes that need extends beyond casual friendship. The need can be for someone we feel safe with, someone we can open-up to and talk honestly with, someone we can laugh and cry with; and, ultimately, someone we can simply rest-in knowing that we are always safe and cared for in the arms of that person. The great comfort here is in our knowing that this particular person accepts us and we accept him/her unconditionally. There are no strings attached and thus no need to manipulate each other. And it’s not a matter of getting lost in each other, but rather, in supporting each other. The sort of “need” I just described is very different from feeling desperately “needy” for someone. And “desperate” may be the key word here. Neediness is driven by a deep...

“All we’ve ever wanted Is to look good naked Hope that someone can take it God save me rejection From my reflection, I want perfection.” Robbie Williams , Bodies All my life I have struggled with body-image. As a kid it was no problem. I don’t remember thinking anything negative about my body—until I hit 7 th Grade, that is. Around the age of 12 I learned to medicate my emotional pain with Payday candy bars, Lay’s Potato Chips and lots of sugary sodas. I wasn’t an active kid, aside from walking to and from school, and so it didn’t take long for me to start my compulsive over-eating journey toward becoming “fatty, fatty two-by-four.” And as fate would have it, just as puberty was beginning to make me self-consciousness personified, I had to face all of the family and public scorn that came with suddenly being fat. At one point, I got so self-conscious that I did everything within my little pubescent range of thinking to hide the fat. I wore bulky sweaters—even ...

“You knew all along What I never wanted to say Until I learned to love myself I was never ever lovin' anybody else Happiness lies in your own hand It took me much too long To understand how it could be Until you shared your secret with me.” Madonna, Secret Until you learn to love yourself, you will never love anyone else is a “secret” that every codependent must learn, and the sooner the better. I know it seems like a vulgar idea. The very thought of loving myself seemed hopelessly twisted to me early-on in my recovery. But it is totally essential. I wasted much of my life hating me. My self-hatred kept me running from myself and into the arms of anyone who would have miserable, worthless me. It took me on an endless bad trip into the lives of countless toxic people, who also hated themselves. And that bad trip didn’t end until I realized it was impossible for two people who hate themselves to build any type of redeeming relationship. Toxic person pl...

“Express yourself, don’t repress yourself… Did I say something wrong? Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about sex. Did I have a point of view? Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about you.” Madonna, Human Nature Ok. So this week I’m doing therapy with Madonna. Love her or hate her, the woman knows how to write good lyrics, and many of them are centered on healthy vs. codependent behavior. Human Nature is a good example. It hits to the core of codependent behavior because many of us are terrified to express ourselves openly and honestly. As a result, we worry endlessly about saying “something wrong.” There were many times in the past when I found myself one on one with someone, or in a group, and I very much wanted to express my opinions. But I was so afraid of rejection that I’d replay what I wanted to say through my mind a million times before I got up the nerve to honestly express myself. And, more often than not, when I finally got up the nerve, the c...