Everyone Needs Affection



“I’m in the mood for something I’ve been missing
Would you give it to me?...
I need huggin’
I need kissin’
I need affection.

Do you wanna go deeper baby
Can you touch my soul?
Are you man enough to give me what really counts?
Can we move beyond below the waist?
Understanding can be oh so sexy
That lovin’ feeling is what I’ve been missing.
I need affection.

Don’t matter if your young or old
Don’t matter if you’re straight or gay
Everybody needs to feel loved.”
Jody Watley, Affection (1995)

Prior to recovery, many of us spent our entire lives seeking affection from all of the wrong people; while some of us desperately wanted affection, but we were too afraid to receive it from anyone. I always wanted the “right” person to drop out of the clouds for me; embrace me, kiss me and love me passionately forever. And, of course, that never happened. Even if it had, I would have been too afraid to accept the affection I so desperately wanted.

First, I didn’t think I was worthy of anyone who meant anything to me. I didn’t believe I was deserving enough for anyone to waste their affection on me. If someone did show interest, if someone actually reached out affectionately to me, I had an arsenal of protection mechanisms to keep them at bay. I had experienced so much rejection and pain by the time I reached high school that I couldn’t bare the idea of eventually being abandoned by anyone else. So I always managed to push people’s affection away, even though I wanted and needed it as much as I needed oxygen.

In recovery we learn that the first person we need to accept affection from is ourselves. We have to practice being affectionate with ourselves. We need to look in a mirror and say kind, loving words to ourselves as we look directly into our own eyes. We need to do affectionate things for ourselves, like buying a rose for ourselves, wrapping our arms around ourselves in a big hug, or treating ourselves to a movie we’ve really wanted to see.

The more affection we share with ourselves, the more we’ll feel worthy of the affection of a Higher Power; and the more worthy we will feel to accept the affection of others. Sometimes that affection is expressed to us through compliments, gifts, hugs, invitations to parties or dinners, smiles and words of love. We need to be able to accept all of these signs of affection with grace, knowing that we are indeed worthy of them. But we can only feel worthy if we have taken the time to believe we are good enough to be worthy. And this requires that we spend time being affectionate with ourselves.

Take time today to give yourself the gift of affection. And when you feel worthy to accept the affection of others, do so with great gratitude and grace. If that affection doesn’t always come freely offered, then believe you are worthy of asking for what you need. Like Jody Watley in her song Affection, you can always ask that special person to touch your soul and give you the affection that you need.

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