Family Begins With Unconditional Acceptance and Love

“When I get lonely and I need to be
Loved for who I am, not what they want to see
Brothers and sisters, they've always been there for me
We have a connection, home is where the heart should be.”

Madonna, Keep It Together

Home is where the heart should be, but, unfortunately, for many codependents that’s never been possible. Even to this day, it can be difficult for many of us to return “home” to our family of origin. After all, our childhood homes were where our hearts were crushed, slammed against walls, drained of all feeling and left to fend for themselves. Home, for many of us, was where we were severely shamed, beaten endlessly with guilt and stripped of our human dignity.

Over the years, our parents may have mellowed some, but deep down they are every bit as broken as they were when we were small children. This makes “home” visits uncomfortable. We don’t have to be “home” very long before mellow gives way to manipulation and criticism. Suddenly we flashback to the same old song and dance we have long been accustomed to experiencing. We find ourselves feeling like the small children we used to be as both mom and dad continue to control and bend us into being who they still want us to be; usually the polar opposite of who we honestly are.

Mom and dad are only one aspect of family, however. How about those brothers and sisters of ours? Do we feel comfortable around them at family gatherings? As adults, are they able to love us for who we are or not? Do we even really know? Well, if we have never honestly revealed our true selves to our brothers and sisters, then something is obviously wrong. If we haven’t felt comfortable enough around them to be who we are, if we have felt like we’ve needed to hide parts of ourselves, it must be because are brothers and sisters are projecting-- in some way-- their discomfort and inability to accept that part of us we’d like to reveal to them.

Sometimes mom and dad and brothers and sisters “know” things they don’t want to know. They may “know” that we were sexually abused, they may know we are gay, or they may know that they used us for their addictive purposes; but they don’t want to acknowledge that they “know” these things. And if we try to clear the air by bringing these things into their consciousness and actually dealing with them in healthy ways, they resist with all their might. This leaves us feeling disconnected and uncomfortable around them. We see the pink polka-dotted elephant in the living room of our childhood “home,” but no one else wants to acknowledge it.

Sooner or later we have to make a choice about returning to our childhood “homes.” Is it safe for us? Is it healthy? Are we putting ourselves in harms way? If we are uncomfortable during family gatherings, it may be better to stop attending them by detaching with love. This means we accept our various family members where they’re at, even if we don’t like it. We choose to accept that maybe they simply can’t do any better, and we choose to acknowledge that we don’t have to place ourselves onto their harmful paths. It also doesn’t mean that we have to be bitter or angry with them. And it doesn’t mean that we have to hate any of them. It means we can choose to love them in their brokenness, which we can’t begin to truly understand or judge. But it also means that we can choose to love them from a distance. We can send them light and love and hope that life will get better for them, just as it is getting better for us.

In the process, we can also choose to build new families for ourselves. Some of us build our own personal families through marriage and others of us build new families through the friends we choose. Sometimes we have friends who love us better than many family members do, and these friends become a great comfort to us. When we visit their homes, we feel like we are at “home.”

If, like Madonna, you have family members who accept and love the real you with no limits or conditions, consider yourself very lucky. Cherish those family members.

 

And remember, home is where your heart is. Today, let’s build our own safe havens that we can comfortably call “home.” The first “home” we need to build is in our hearts. Feather your heart with unconditional acceptance and love for yourself. People will resonate with the acceptance and love they experience whenever they visit your heart “home” They will connect with you and some of those people just may become the family that you have always needed: The family that loves you for who you are.