Easier to Hide? Not Really

“Too many times
I let my feelings hide.
I act like it's all alright.
You don't know how I feel inside.

I act like nothing's on my mind,
I act like nothing's on my mind
But there's something on my mind.

It's easier to hide.”

Maya Jane Coles, Easier to Hide

I grew-up believing I didn’t have the right to have wants or needs, thoughts or feelings. As a child, I had received the message many times that my wants and needs, thoughts and feelings didn’t count. So I learned to hold them tightly inside of me, or to outright dismiss them as invalid.

When I was small, it worked for me to deny expressing myself. I was simply labeled the “shy” child and people thought it was cute. But as I grew into a young adult, being the “shy” child became a problem for me. I found that when I wanted to express myself, I couldn’t. Either I didn’t really know what I wanted or needed, or thought or felt; or I didn’t have the self-esteem to open up and express myself in any of these areas.

So I quickly realized that it was “easier to hide.” After all, hiding behind being “shy” had become the norm for me, even though I’m not really shy. But as a young adult, “hiding” wasn’t as easy as it once had been. Part of me wanted out of my self-imposed childhood prison, but the bigger part of me knew that hiding was still easier than having to express my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. I was well-aware that expressing these inner-parts of me was a doorway into possible rejection, and that was a doorway I didn’t like to walk through.

As an adult, I continued the pattern of hiding my wants and needs, thoughts and feelings. It was frustrating at times, but it was still safer. It was easier to simply listen to everyone else’s wants and needs, thoughts and feelings and claim them all as my own. It was easier to blend in and be whoever anyone else wanted me to be. It was easier to prostitute myself in every way than it was to reclaim my real self and to share it with the world.

It was easier until the internal pain got too great for me to bear anymore. I got tired of acting “like it was all alright” despite what anyone said or did to me. I got tired of always placing my wants and needs on the back-burner so I could caretake everyone else. And I got tired of never feeling worthy of acknowledging and sharing my true self. So I decided to seek counseling and a CODA support group.

Eighteen years of recovery has taken me long past my days of never opening-up and expressing my true self. I’m much better at acknowledging my wants and needs, my thoughts and feelings. But there are still times, especially with people I really care about, where I find myself playing the old game of “It’s Easier to Hide” than to say what I really think or say what I really need.

Stepping back and looking deeper inside, I realize that I still feel unworthy in many ways of owning my thoughts and feelings, much less my wants and needs. But I also see that if I don’t express them, my relationships will never be truly authentic; they will never be truly give and take; truly two-way streets. So I’m working on resisting the urge to “hide,” no matter how easy it may be. It’s never healthy. And, in the long run, it makes every relationship harder—eventually. Rigorous honesty—tempered with kindness and compassion-- is always the right path to follow; even if it isn’t the easiest.

Maya Jane Coles is a British DJ. “Easier to Hide” is from her new album “Comfort.”