Surviving the Dysfunctional Family Christmas

I first posted this three years ago at Christmas. I think it’s worth re-posting this year and maybe every year as a reminder that we need to work at owning our own power at Holiday gatherings. It’s the only way we can truly enjoy them. Merry Christmas!

“Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer”… OK well maybe not. I mean, yeah, it’s Christmas, but the happiness and cheer is debatable. This time of the year most everyone wants to be happy, but let’s face it, family gatherings sometimes play out like real Nightmares before Christmas. Across America most every family has an Uncle Eeyore, who makes the Winnie the Pooh character seem like the Sugar Plum Fairy; an Aunt Grinchella, who’s conniving and controlling; and a brother Ebenezer, who is bitter and angry at the world. So much for happiness and cheer-- unless we adopt a new attitude toward family and the holiday.

First, we have to choose to accept Eeyore, Grinchella and Ebenezer just the way they are by empathizing with their inner-brokenness. This means that we will not take personally anything they say or do over the holidays. After all, their behavior is just a mask for their inner-pain. It also means that we will set proper boundaries with them when necessary. “How does that affect your life” is a great boundary to have in your arsenal. 

When old Uncle Eeyore is going on about how your sister Flo spent way too much for a new car, ask him “How does that affect your life?” Then watch him gasp for air as he tries to stay afloat in his negativity. “It doesn’t affect your life, Uncle Grumpy-Pants, so why are you focused on Flo’s behavior?“ As his brain attempts to scramble on to a new frequency, you can enjoy an eggnog and Christmas cookie. Well, at least until Aunt Grinchella walks up and starts maligning your figure by saying “So, you’ve put on a few pounds since last Christmas, haven’t you dear?” As she feigns a look of concern, breathe for a moment and then ask “How does that affect your life, Aunt Grinchella?” Before she can pick her jaw up off the floor, you can waltz happily over to the fireplace and talk with your somewhat functional favorite aunts, uncles and cousins.

If the stars are in your favor, you’ll get to sit next to Granny at dinner, but if they’re not, you may end up next to brother Ebenezer. Ut-Oh, I’m feeling a misalignment in the stars. Sorry. But don’t worry. Smile instead when Ebby starts his newest bitter tirade about how awful everything in the world is. You’ve got your secret weapon: “How does that really affect your life, Ebby?” Be careful, though. Sometimes complainers can be more difficult and tricky to deal with. If he keeps switching from one gripe to another, simply ask him “Could we talk about something happy? After all, Christmas is NOT National Whine-Till-You-Drop Day.”

Granted, this all sounds easier than it really is. If you’re having trouble keeping your composure, and you feel yourself wanting to give your emotional power away to Grinchella or Ebby, stop and breathe for a moment and then surrender everything to God. Allow God to help you keep your good spirits no matter what storm is blowing up around you. If your primary holiday gathering is on Christmas Eve, like mine is, you’ll return home much happier than in the past; and old Santa will undoubtedly place a really special gift in your stocking—the gift of gratitude. You’ll be so grateful that you stood up for yourself and set boundaries that protected you without damaging anyone else. Likewise, you’ll be so happy that you actually enjoyed the family gathering this year. It will be a miracle that will help you to look forward to next year’s Annual Dysfunctional Family Reunion.  And as you snuggle into your nice warm bed, visions of sugarplums will dance in your head as your soul shines a “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!