Respect Is Mutual in Healthy Relationships

   Initially we approach boundaries as a means of reclaiming our own personal power; and as a means of protecting ourselves in relationships. This is where we have to begin in order to understand and to start building good personal boundaries.

   But boundaries are also meant to be seen as bridges. They bridge the gap between us and others. In this way, boundaries exist not only to protect us but to protect others as well. Every relationship is a two-way street and boundaries must respect both individuals in every relationship.

    This means that we must learn to respect other people’s boundaries at the same time that we are asking them to respect our boundaries. And for many of us, this is just as difficult of an assignment as learning to build our own boundaries. We are used to wanting to be in CONTROL. And our sometimes insatiable need to control others has taken us down the path of manipulation of others and thus a deep lack of respect for their personal boundaries.

   There is a great episode of the TV series Reba in which lead character Reba Hart fails to respect the boundaries of her son-in-law Van Montgomery. Reba is a church-goer and she believes that everyone in her family should go to church every Sunday. Van refuses to go to church. He has very personal reasons for his choice. But Reba can’t see beyond her own righteousness and she insists that Van get to church or she’ll bury him six-feet under.

   Reba goes so far as to drag Van to the church to talk to her pastor. She’s convinced that she is right and that the pastor should work an instant conversion on Van. But when they meet with the pastor, he asks Van if he’s there of his own free will. Van says “No” and the pastor tells him he’s free to leave. The pastor understands boundaries and he realizes that Reba has overstepped her boundaries while trodding all over Van’s. And so the pastor has no intention of doing the same thing to Van.

   Eventually Reba gets it. She comes to realize that Van has very personal reasons for not wanting to go to church. Van feels rejected by God and he has doubts that God loves him or even exists. Reba also realizes that the real reason why she was so threatened by Van’s refusal to go to church was because she herself has doubts about God that she is too afraid to own.

   Once Reba comes to realize how she has overstepped boundaries by trying to control Van, she backs off and makes amends to him. We all need to learn to do the same.

    First, we need to realize we have a compulsion to control others to ensure our own happiness. Truth is we don’t have the right to manipulate or control anyone.

   Next we need to try and understand why someone doesn’t agree with us or doesn’t want to do what we think they should do. Everyone has their own personal reasons and we need to respect that fact. Likewise, we need to demand that our personal reasons for doing or not doing something are respected, too.

   Love does no harm to anyone, as St. Paul tells us. Love is all about mutual respect. Today let’s work on respecting ourselves and others equally.

   Dear God, please help me to build healthy boundaries that protect me. Likewise, help me to respect the healthy boundaries that others set in order to protect themselves. Guide me to respect the fact that all relationships are two-way streets build on love. Amen.