Don’t Change Who You Are for Anyone. Be True to Yourself.



“Notgonnachange”
by Swing Out Sister

It’s pretty typical for codependents to look in the mirror and see a “reflection that isn’t me.” Some of us don’t see our true selves because all we see in the mirror are the many harsh judgments we’ve made against ourselves. Others of us look in the mirror and we’re not sure who’s really looking back at us because we’ve been life-long people-pleasers. We’ve been like chameleons, constantly bending and changes ourselves to please others.

 People pleasing can cause us to question who we truly are, what we truly like, what we really believe and what we really need or want. Prior to recovery, I used to sit with others, whether one on one or in groups, and listen to what the other person(s) liked, wanted and believed without saying a word until I knew who they were and what they wanted me to be. After hearing their opinions and likes, if they were different from my own, I’d lie to them. I’d tell them I believed and liked the same things they did because I had an insatiable need to be accepted, liked and needed.

 Honestly, back before Recovery, I was one person around one individual and another person around a different individual because I felt I had to be who they each wanted me to be. So I had to bend and twist myself in many ways to please multiple people, including my parents.

 Entering Recovery, I didn’t know who I really was inside. But now I do. Recovery has taught me that I have to determine what I like, believe, want and need without any regard as to whether who I really am pleases others or not. It’s not my job to please anyone. It’s my job to be me— the AUTHENTIC me.

 If people don’t like the real me and expect me to change to please them, I now tell them “I’m not gonna change” to be who you want me to be. I am who I am and if you don’t like who I am either you can walk away or I will.

 In reality, no one ever likes everything about another person. It’s an impossible expectation to think someone should like everything about us or vice-versa. But, if we really like or love each other, we have the capability to adjust to those things we don’t like about each other. No one should have to be false to themselves, or change, to be what someone else wants them to be.

 Own your personal power by being true to yourself. You will then attract the right people into your life, and the wrong ones will “walk away.” And that’s a good thing.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No One Can Calm Your Codependent Crazies, But You

Image
Ah, the codependent crazies. Those needy, needy feelings. I remember well the deep emotional pain in the pit of my stomach: The throbbing sting of shame, fear, loneliness and anxious desperation. Those feelings that are like fingernails on the blackboard of your soul. They eat you alive from within as they dig deeper and deeper into the black hole of your inner-emptiness. Yes, I remember them well. And I remember evenings of mental and emotional insanity-- squirming with a magazine, pacing back and forth, indulging in chocolate, chasing up and down the stairs hoping the doorbell would ring, and staring endlessly at the telephone for a sign of hope. All I needed was a call from my false higher power; a call that would help me to know that I was OK, that I was needed, that I was worth thinking about in some good way. I was dying to be emotionally caressed on the head like a poodle desperate for the attention of his master. And certainly I had made that other person into my mas...
Read more

Happiness is Something We Cultivate and Share

Who makes you happy? In reality, no one can make you happy. People in your life can enhance your happiness through sharing your interests. Or they can add to your frustrations by pushing your buttons. But no one can be responsible for your happiness or your misery—aside from you. One of the biggest problems for codependents is that we too often enter relationships looking for everlasting happiness. We expect that the person we choose to attach our dreams to should be responsible for making us happy. In our minds, we fantasize that he/she will be focused solely on us, will spend every waking hour with us and will do everything in his/her power to insure that we are as happy as we can possibly be. In other words, we assume this person will meet all of our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs in the same way that we plan to meet all of his/her needs. In our little dream world we will smother each other with attention and we will both drip with the honey of happiness. R...
Read more

Where There Is Kindness, There Is Goodness

Image
Author’s Note: The next few meditations will be from a retreat I directed recently called The Good News According to Disney . If you aren’t familiar with the films that are referenced, I’d suggest to take time to see them and to look for the deeper meaning within them. Many people today still live by the biblical adage “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” They actually believe that they will be at peace if they achieve revenge or restitution for any mishap that has befallen them at the hands of another. They believe they will reclaim their personal power once they have achieved their revenge, but this is impossible. Disney’s Cinderella (2015) reveals the true secret to owning one’s personal power and to retaining it no matter what we experience in life: “Have courage and be kind.” On the surface this motto looks a bit simple and wimpy. But in reality, it holds great power. That power comes from the heart of a person, or in this case Ella, who sees the world not a...
Read more

Become the Person You Want to Spend Your Life With Everyday

Image
I really don’t have to say much about the above quote. It says it all and it’s so true. We are too often taught faulty ways of thinking as children. So many of us get the wrong message at very young ages: Love is about finding the right person to love you. Looking back I realize I wasted many years trying to find that “right” person— the one who could love me into loving myself— instead of trying to BE that “right” person myself. It never occurred to me that I needed to love myself, nurture myself and accept myself enough to become the right person— the person I really needed most in my life. After all, what is my life without me? Now I know that I’m what’s been missing from my own life for years. My life is empty without me and without my spiritual Higher Power. This is true for all of us.  Once We find ourselves, become the “right” person God intended us to be, and become the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, then we attract others into our lives who ca...
Read more