If You Grew-Up with Family Members Like These, You Didn’t Need Outside Enemies

Often times, family members don’t begin to realize how controlling and cruel their behavior is. The film “Now, Voyager” is one of the best studies in codependency that I’ve ever seen.

Bette Davis plays Charlotte Vale, a young woman who has lived her whole life under her mother’s thumb. Mrs. Vale decides what clothing Charlotte wears, how she wears her hair, what books she can read, who she can associate with, what she’s allowed to feel or not feel, etc. Charlotte has no life of her own because she allows her mother to live her life for her.

In this clip above, we also she that Charlotte has a very unintentionally cruel niece named June. I say “unintentionally” because I think June is too self absorbed and immature to understand that her supposedly ragging Aunt Charlotte for fun is anything but kind.

Between her mother and her niece, Charlotte ends up having a nervous breakdown. The real Charlotte wants to be her real self, make her own choices, live her own life, but she’s like a canary trapped in a locked cage and she has no clue how to save herself.

I relate completely to Charlotte because my mother was every bit as controlling as Charlotte’s is. My mother made me, as a child, responsible for her happiness; which meant I had to give away my personal independence to her in order to make her happy. I grew up always feeling responsible for my mother’s feelings.

Like Charlotte’s mother, my mother couldn’t have done a better job of destroying my life if she had intentionally tried to do so. I grew up so dependent on my mother, that I didn’t know how to be my own person as a young adult. Even worse, once I looked beyond our household, once I faced the real world, I felt like I needed someone else like my mother to cling to, since I didn’t know how to be my true self. There was a constant battle raging within me between my true self and my mother’s version of me— the Frankenstein she had created.

Also like Charlotte, I didn’t know how to get out of the cage my mother had locked me in. It wasn’t until I collapsed into a therapist’s chair that I finally gained some insight into my codependency and into ways in which I could free myself from the cage.

If you grew up with an overly authoritative, controlling parent and/or other relatives who mercilessly teased you (even in “good fun”), then you understand. Awareness and understanding give us the power to rescue ourselves— with the help of a Higher Power, professionals and trusted others— from the cages we were locked in. We have the power to rescue ourselves, to decide who we are, what we wear, what we read, what we like, etc. No one else can be our savior. Salvation begins when we decide we’re worth it, partner with a Higher Power, seek professional help, and open up to people we can trust to be on our side.