Do You Want to Love Yourself?

 Let the Love In- Sam Sparro

 

Do you WANT to feel loved? Do you WANT to love yourself? Do you WANT to feel the inner-warmth of being cherished for who you are? These are questions I've started asking myself. The answer to all three-- and similar questions-- is YES!

But my behavior says "NO!" As addicts, we are divided against ourselves. Yes, we want to love ourselves, but then we do and say to ourselves every negative thing we possibly can. Much of the negativity comes from our subconscious inner-tapes that keep replaying themselves, telling us “You aren't even worthy to love yourself. Someone is going to have to come along and melt my heart— then I’ll be able to appreciate and love who I am.”

I've always wanted love and I've always cringed at the idea of loving myself. Until now. Looking back, I think the COVID 19 pandemic forced me into facing myself-- after much emotional medicating-- and it forced me into facing my dark night of the soul.

I've never felt so miserable as I have over the past few weeks. As much as I hated it, and feared I was going to be broken emotionally into pieces, it's now producing an appreciation for all that is good inside and outside of myself.

A few weeks back, I cried for the first time since grade school. It was remarkable. I'd prayed and longed to cry for so many years. I wanted that cleansing of my inner-trauma that comes from tears. And I've continued crying over the course of this week. Most of the tears have transformed into tears of joy. They've been evoked by watching some of my favorite movies, where the primary character is struggling with past wounds and the eventual healing that takes them into self-care and self-love.

Tears flow as I watch them destroying their chances for happiness by failing to believe they deserve it. And tears flow when they finally "get it" that they are lovable and deserving of all happiness-- the very love and happiness that they had previously refused to claim because they didn't think they deserved it. 

Yesterday continued the path of my moving forward toward self-acceptance and self-love. I went downtown to run errands-- in the rain. I love rain. There's something cleansing and healing about it. I reclaimed the stride I'd experienced for the first time last week. That walking stride proclaims "I own my space" and I don’t care if people agree. Take it one step further and it means I no longer believe it's my business to care about what other people think about me. And no longer do I need to care. I don't need anyone’s approval to be me.

Sometimes, as I walked along, my stride became like a little dance to the music I was listening to as I walked. The broken me inside was always abhorred by the thought of losing my dignified composure. It would always say "You can't do that-- dance around or sing in public (including weddings, parties, etc.) You have to remain a wallflower." Yesterday I said to myself "Well, screw that. I'll damn do what I'm feeling and I feel like doing a little dance."

I'm thrilled that the pattern of being able to cry and being able to own my power in public are continuing. I've had times in the past when I was only in a good space for a given day and then "POOF" it was all gone-- failing to return. It gives me hope that with every new step I take, I am getting closer and closer to truthfully saying "Yes, I want to be loved!" "Yes, I want to enjoy loving who I am!" "Yes, I want to feel the warmth of being cherished-- by myself and by others.

I know it can make us gag and squirm inside to think we are deserving of all that is good, most importantly love. But it's essential for us to push past that squirming feeling and come to accept that we ARE lovable. We do deserve to love ourselves and we deserve to accept love from others.

 Bye-bye self-sabotage. Bye-bye self-loathing, bye-bye believing we aren't good enough or deserving of self-acceptance and love. Welcome to the earthly heaven of love. I accept my place in that heavenly place on this earth.