Soulshine

 How well are you owning your personal power today? I woke up this morning and realized that I wasn't owning mine very well. And it was obvious to me why: I was caring about what other people think and trying to please them. I could feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my heart was racing. Why? Just because someone placed a disagreeable comment on a digital media page that I am responsible for operating. First, I had to admit to myself that the comment really wasn't that negative and that I was taking it personally. Instead of immediately saying to myself "Everyone has a right to their opinion, we don't have to agree and that's fine," I was taking it as an attack. And not just an attack on the post itself, but a personal attack on me-- when in fact, it wasn't. Even after 25 years of Recovery, this is one of those areas I still struggle with from time to time. Owning my personal power is still so new to me, that I easily fall back into the habit of...

As recovering codependents, the "some people" mentioned above are the people that we do NOT want in our lives. Unfortunately, many of us don't realize that fact. For years, we've believed quite wrongly that we were the problem if someone suddenly turned their back on us and deemed us "worthless." We mistakenly believed that these people were our friends, or sincerely loving family members, when in fact they were perpetrators-- they were agents of harm toward us. No one who truly loves us turns their back on us. Even if we do things to hurt each other, if we truly love each other, we will own up to our mistakes and we will make amends between us. That's not the case with people who treat us like we're important today and then treat us like we're worthless tomorrow. This can happen for many reasons, but the primary ones I have experienced are these:  We have chosen to trust or rely on the approval of someone who can't even approve of him/hersel...

  Prior to recovery, I never thought I could be someone who made ME happy. How can someone who thinks he/she is a complete loser-- because they are so wounded deep down inside-- provide happiness for themselves? Impossible. The thought that I could be the "someone" who was going to make me happy never occurred to me. No. That was someone else's job. It was my job to find that person who was going to rescue me from my self-hatred and make me happy. Of course, everyone I ever assigned that job to failed miserably. Now, I know that it wasn't their job to make me happy. But back in the heyday of my codependent crazies, I had no clue-- no matter how many people failed to make me happy. I'd just lick my wounds and then go hunting for someone else to be responsible for making me loveable. Of course, I believed that I was also responsible for making them feel loveable and happy. The old cliche "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" fits an active codep...

  It's one of THOSE days. I just feel miserable inside. I feel bluer than blue, but I can't cry--even though I feel the tears behind my eyes. I'd like to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I know this particular feeling. I've felt it a million times. It should be out of my system by now-- but it's not. I refer to it as the Parental Wound. Some people have Maternal Wounds, others have Paternal Wounds, but I have both. And this feeling is like a disease I just can't shake away, feel away or face away. I've tried and tried. I know we have to face feelings by FEELING them-- and allowing them to pass through us as they gradually wear themselves out. But this one never seems to be finally gone-- no matter how many times I face and feel it. And this makes me wonder if the feeling is a forever ghost from the past, or just a means of my being mean to myself-- when I have nothing else wrong in my life? Sure. I realize I'm lonely. I left the West Coast a ye...

Gee, you know, we codependents tend to have many bad days. Or do we? Is it karma? Do we have an invisible bullseye on our backs? Does everything really go wrong all day long? I'd say the answer to these questions is probably "NO." What we codependents often do have in common, though, is a victim mentality. All it takes is one wrong glance from a person in the office, one irritable spouse, or one assumption we just made about what a friend said a few seconds ago-- and suddenly our entire day is ruined. Codependents have an unwritten rule: "Where there is no chaos I will create it." We thrive on drama, where we're the unfortunate and undeserving victim, of course. Many of us could win Academy Awards for Best Perpetual Victim in a Supporting Role. Why? Because one little bad thing happens in the morning and we stew on it for the rest of the day, or week, or month or year. We tend to take everything PERSONALLY. If the coworker just took it on ...

"I heard you on the phone You took his number Said you were alone That you will call him soon Isn't he the guy The guy who left you crying? Isn't he the one Who made you blue? Oh When you remember those nights in his arms You know you got to make up your mind Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you? Or are you going back to the one you love? Someone's gonna cry when they know they lost you Someone's gonna thank the stars above." Glenn Frey, The One You Love (1982) As someone in recovery for codependency, these lyrics take on new meaning for me today. Back in 1982, I simply thought that this was one of the most beautiful, emotionally moving songs I'd ever heard. I didn't realize at the time that I was actually the girl (so to speak) in the song who was always in love with the wrong person. But now, when I look at these lyrics, I see how plainly and painfully true it is that I was the exact same type of person tha...

Bryant McGill is a very wise man. In this video, he points out eight things we need to work on to silence our inner-critic: That negative voice inside our heads that perpetually makes us miserable by reinforcing negative beliefs we've adopted over the years. Let's look at some of those negative beliefs brought to the surface by McGill. 1) Stop comparing yourself to others . This very nasty little habit leads to the continual belief that we don't match-up to other people, that we aren't as good as they are, that we are deficient as human beings and thus worth less than others. When we learn to stop comparing ourselves to others, we discover that we do have intelligence, skills and personality enough to make a positive difference in this world. 2) Stop worrying about the things you cannot change . For many addicts, this is a huge one. Actually, for almost everyone I've ever encountered, this is a huge one. We spend endless hours worrying about everything we a...