Gain Some Respect-- from Yourself and Others-- by Learning to Say "No"

“Let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no.”

Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:37

It’s amazing how often people say “yes” to someone when their guts are really telling them to say “no.” Most of us know what it feels like. A family member or friend or coworker asks us to do something for them (often something they should really be doing for themselves), and we feel our guts wrench inside. The tightening feeling starts low, then goes all of the way up from our stomachs to our throats as the word “yes” comes floating off our lips.

As soon as we have said “yes,” the gut-wrenching feeling transforms into a simmering feeling of instant resentment. “We’ve done it again,” runs through our unconscious thoughts. And the feeling of resentment is all about the fact that we’ve said “yes” one more time when we really wanted to say “no.” With every passing second, we find ourselves getting angry with us for not standing up for ourselves. When we are tapped-out, we honor ourselves by saying “no.” We understand that and yet we can’t get past the inner-need we have to please people.

This is what nearly all of our “yes’s” are really about. We have an insatiable need for approval from others, and we are afraid that if we say “no” people won’t like us anymore. Worse yet, we are terrified that they will abandon us all together. We need to change our thinking. The only approval we need comes from two sources: God and ourselves. If someone decides not to like us or to abandon us because we rightfully said “no” to them, then we are better off without them in our lives. No one needs a friend who’s only there to prey off of our fears of abandonment. The person who tries to guilt or shame us into saying “yes” is an abusive manipulator and we need to think in terms of "good riddance!"

Truth is that no one respects a person who can’t say “no” when they need to do so. People know when someone can’t say “no” and many people will take advantage of said person's insecurities. Think of it this way: Others may not like it when we have to say “no” to them, but that doesn’t mean that they will stop liking us. The opposite is more likely to be true. When we stop being doormats and stand up for ourselves by saying “no” when we need to, people begin to respect us. They see that we understand that we do have value and that we need to take care of ourselves first before we can help anyone else.

Next time you KNOW you need to say “NO,” do it. Say “no” and if you have any feelings of guilt, get used to them until they subside. They will go away. And then you will be free to honor yourself—and to allow your soul to shine as God intended!