Stop Playing the Victim—And You’ll Be a Lot Less Angry!

Most people I know struggle with the emotion we call anger. There’s nothing wrong about experiencing anger. It’s a natural and necessary feeling, but what we do with our anger can cause problems. I had an interesting insight this week into anger. And what I learned is that anger isn’t an issue for me if I refrain from playing the victim.

I had a doctor’s appointment this week with a specialist. When I called to make the appointment about six weeks ago, it was my first time calling this particular doctor’s office. I had looked him up on the net after a referral from a friend, and I saw that he had two offices in town. So I called the number for the office nearest to me. When the appointment secretary scheduled my visit for this week, he didn’t mention anything about location and so I assumed the appointment would be at the office nearest to me. 

The day before my appointment I didn’t received the customary reminder call that most doctor’s offices provide to ensure you don’t miss your appointment. I admit I was curious on the morning of the scheduled visit and considered calling the doctor’s office to verify the exact location of the appointment, but I didn’t do that. Instead I chose not to worry about it and to show up at the office closest to me—and I got my ass burned. Yup, you got it. I arrived to find out that the doctor was at his other office, a good 45 minutes across town, and so I had to reschedule the appointment.

In the past I would have been angry to the point of furious. Why? Because in the past I would have placed all of the burden of responsibility for the mistake on the doctor’s office staff. They would have been 100 percent guilty and I would have been 100 percent innocent. In other words, I would have been their VICTIM. Today, I didn’t see things that way. I was HONEST with myself. I knew there were two offices and I could have called earlier in the day to make sure that I was headed to the right office, but I didn’t.

It’s true that the appointment secretary didn’t tell me that my visit would be to the other office, and it’s true that there was no reminder call the day before, which could have clarified the situation. But it’s equally as true that I didn’t make the effort to clarify the situation myself.  So when I learned I was at the wrong office, I wasn’t angry. I was disappointed and maybe a little frustrated, but I wasn’t mad or angry. I didn’t slam the doctor’s office or myself for being incompetent. I practiced kindness and was gentle, though I’m sure it was obvious I wasn’t happy. And that’s OK.

Next time something goes wrong, ask yourself what role you played in the screw-up. We often play a part in the bad things that happen to us, and if we can be honest with ourselves and admit to the part we played, it will keep us from broiling over with anger. And it will then keep us from saying or doing things that are hurtful and that we will later regret. We can’t be victims when we take co-ownership for the bad things that happen in our lives. And if we aren’t the victims of life’s circumstances, then we have a heck of a lot less to be angry about—and a lot more to feel better about!