Reclaim Yourself and Reclaim Your Lost Relationships

“You never lost Mary Hale. You lost yourself.”

Herman to Jimmy, Broadway Serenade

Many of us think we know what it’s like to “lose” someone else from our lives. Someone stops calling us, or someone de-friends us on Facebook, or someone simply picks up and walks out of our lives. Then there are those situations where someone is simply tolerating us, and we know it. What we may not know, however, is that they are tolerating us despite ourselves. We never “lost” them, but we did a heck of a good job of alienating them and forcing them as far out of our lives as possible—much to our own regret.

In the 1939 film Broadway Serenade, Jeanette MacDonald plays Mary Hale. She’s an up-and-coming singer who’s teamed with her piano playing/composer husband, Jimmy Seymour (played by Lew Ayres). Both are talented. Mary has a great voice and Jimmy has real song-writing skills. But Mary is on her way up because she believes in herself. She’s grounded in good self-love and appreciation, and so she has the self-esteem that’s necessary for success—not only in business but in love. Jimmy is on his way down. His self-love is poor and every setback is met with a good bottle of booze. He doesn’t trust in himself or his abilities. And ultimately, he doesn’t trust in Mary because he isn’t able to trust in himself.

As Mary’s star begins to rise, Jimmy does his best to push Mary away because deep down he doesn’t feel good enough for her. He accuses her of cheating on him, when in fact she would never do so. Every day Mary’s popularity continues to grow. She ends up touring the nation, gaining throngs of adoring fans, while Jimmy loses job after job—thanks mostly to his insecurities and hot temper—and slides deeper and deeper into the gutter. Then one day—actually on Christmas Day-- Jimmy receives divorce papers from Mary. Merry Christmas, Jimmy.

As Jimmy finally begins to hit bottom, his friend Herman helps him to realize that Mary never stopped loving Jimmy, that she was never unfaithful and that she never considered Jimmy to be less than “good enough” for her. Jimmy never lost Mary. Jimmy lost himself way back when. And then, as he floundered disconnected from his true self, he pushed Mary away in every which direction.

There are a lot of Jimmies in this world. Most of us are good at playing the victim, at pretending that we “lost” someone, that they abandoned us, when in fact we first abandoned ourselves and then forced them to abandon us through our intolerable behavior.

Next time you think you’ve lost someone from your life, pause for a big reality check. Did you lose that person, or did you lose yourself first? Chances are better than not that you, like Jimmy Seymour, lost yourself from your own life years before you ever lost anyone else from your life. If that’s the case, then it’s time to regain yourself. Start believing you are valuable in this world, accept that you have talents and worth, just like everyone else does. Choose to stop abandoning yourself by being kind and honest with yourself. Choose to flourish and trust in yourself. Ask your Higher Power to assist you. Reclaim yourself and you will have the ability to reclaim your “lost” relationships with others.