Life Isn’t Fair—Take a Reality Pill and Choose Happiness!

“We’re tapped because of a universal human expectation that the world will treat us fairly. This is a cherished, childish assumption—‘If I’m good, the world will be good to me.’ We should know better.”

Phil Stutz & Barry Michels, The Tools

Granted, like Jimmy Seymour in Broadway Serenade, many of us mess-up our relationships because our self-love and self-esteem are poor. But many of us also mess-up relationships because we have an age-old bad belief stored in our subconscious minds. And that belief is that life should be fair.

The belief that life (and thus relationships) should be fair is as irrational as an old belief that plague me for years: Everyone should like me. Both of these beliefs produce expectations that only serve to make our lives miserable.

For many years I agonized whenever someone obviously didn’t like me. It left me feeling like a failure as a person. The belief that I should be liked by everyone kept me on constant guard. It meant everything about me had to be “just right” or perfect all of the time. And as irrational as this belief was, it was also still very real to me. It truly made my life miserable.

Then one day, while agonizing over someone new not liking me, I asked myself “Do I like everyone I meet or know?” The answer was easy. “No, I do not like everyone.” So then I asked myself “Why in the world am I expecting that everyone should like me, if I don’t like everyone?” If it’s OK for me to dislike certain people, then it’s OK for them to dislike me, too! Suddenly, I realized how idiotic and irrational this old bad belief was. And I let go of it.

Fairness is trickier, because we are constantly judging everything, and most of us seem to be hell-bent on having our justice. Most everyday, we judge certain people as being better, or better off, than we are. This guy’s better looking than me (IT’S NOT FAIR!), that gal is driving a better car than mine (IT’S NOT FAIR!), This guy is making tons of money (IT’S NOT FAIR!), her parents loved and nourished her while my parents neglected me (IT’S NOT FAIR!), my best friend’s wife listens to and affirms him in life giving ways, unlike my wife (IT’S NOT FAIR!), my sibling married a man who treats her so much better than my spouse treats me (IT’S NOT FAIR!)… this particular list could go on and on and on.

But the truth is we have many such list. What about when we’re in a serious relationship. Maybe his/her birthday rolled around and we lavished him/her with a fabulous 24 hour getaway. A few months pass by and so does our birthday. And all we got in return was a card. Uh, oh! From the back of our subconscious minds comes the lion’s roar “IT’S NOT FAIR!” We erupt with disappointment, hurt, anger—and finally—resentment. All because we have it in our heads that our efforts should have been reciprocated in an equal, or better manor. We feel cheated and we want revenge.

Or how about if our spouse or lover cheats on us (IT’S NOT FAIR!), or our “best” friend decides to take another friend to the Super Bowl instead of us (IT’S NOT FAIR!), or how about our favorite coworker gets a big raise even though we feel we have worked just as hard and as effectively as he/she has? IT’S NOT FAIR! Right?

In each of these examples, we have a choice. We can stick to our fairytale belief that life must be fair, and we can push our way to justice by punishing everyone around us. In doing so, we may also—through our resentments-- alienate people from our lives and make our cherished relationships irreconcilable. Or we can choose to challenge the belief that life has to be fair. Think about it. What’s more important to you? Is it more important to you that your life be fair? Or is it more important to you that, in the long run despite life’s injustices, that your life be happy?

Personally, I vote for happiness. Fairness is a myth that gets in the way of my living life to the fullest. Fairness and the many “shoulds” that go along with it only serve to enable me to truly mess-up my relationships with others. If you’re still clinging to a misguided belief in your right to fairness or your own expectations of justice, then I suggest you take a reality pill, get over it, and choose loving- happiness!