Facing Feelings: From the Edge of Darkness to the Internal Rainbow

It’s important to talk about feelings. I believe feelings are the rainbow of the soul. They give color to life by transforming a one dimensional world into three dimensional. Feelings are beautiful and yet they are also devastating.

It’s been six months since I stopped taking Zoloft, and since I started reacquainting myself with my feelings. For the most part, it’s been a good experience. I have had some bouts of terrible sadness. During those days, I learned to reach out to other people. I called friends, even old friends I hadn’t talked to in a while. Reaching out to others helped me to realize the importance of having a support system and that I don’t have to face difficult feelings all by myself.

When I was younger, I always walked through all of my sadness alone. It wasn’t a healthy thing to do, but I never felt like anyone would really care. I realize that was a mistake now. We do need the support of others. Sadness is a healing feeling. It takes us from the edge of darkness to the edge of life’s rainbow, but we can’t under estimate how difficult the edge of darkness can be. That’s why we need support; not to help us escape the feeling, but to help us process it so we can reach our internal rainbow.

A couple of weeks ago, a bout of sadness developed into the most cutting, devastating feeling I have ever felt. It was early in the morning, 1:00 AM, and not a good time to call anyone. The feeling was so strong that it woke me and I realized I was having a panic attack—something I hadn’t experienced in years.

I got up and literally walked with the feeling. My heart was racing and I was really scared. This deep dark feeling was like a sword cutting through my heart, soul and body. It really felt like it had the power to kill me. I didn’t know what it was about, but I knew it had to be felt and released. So I walked up and down with the feeling allowing it to be there, but very much wanting it to leave me.

Eventually, over an hour or so, the feeling started to lose its power, and I was able to go back to bed. This was one of the most frightening experiences I have ever had. Never had I experienced a feeling that felt like it could literally kill me.

I understand better now just have powerful feelings can be. And I understand better now why some people need to stay on medicines like Zoloft to better manage those feelings. Never again will I take feelings lightly. I understand that they all exist for a reason, and that their ultimate goal is to bring balance to our lives—positive balance.

But achieving that balance can be a difficult experience. I am thankful that the devastating feeling I experienced that one night has processed itself and is gone. It places me one step closer to my internal rainbow. But I also know there are other old feelings from the past brewing and bubbling up from within the dark places where I have forced them to hide over the course of my life. They are all of the old feelings I refused to face in the past. I am sure I am stronger and better equipped t face them now, but I don’t intend to do it on my own.

In facing future dark feelings I will always do so with the help of a therapist and with the help of friends and support group members. It’s important to share those feelings. Talking about them is also a means of processing and releasing them, and it’s a very necessary means of doing so. We aren’t in this life by ourselves and there will always be someone who cares enough to help us. We just have to believe we are worth it.

So start believing and start reaching out to others when feelings are tough to cope with. Give them to your Higher Power and ask for help in processing them. Then call whomever you feel safe talking to and share your feelings with that person. You will be on your way from the edge of darkness to the edge of your internal rainbow.