Playing Favorites Destroys Families

Most every family suffers from favoritism. In other words, it’s easy for mom or dad to have a favorite child and to be partial to that child at the expense of their other children. Probably the best way to illustrate the damage that occurs through parental favoritism is the story of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, which is based in the Bible.

Jacob (or Israel) has several sons, but his favorite is his youngest, Joseph. Jacob isn’t shy about acknowledging that Joseph is his favorite and he has no problems lavishing love, compliments and gifts on Joseph-- alone. Unfortunately, Jacob seems to be oblivious to the devastating effect that his behavior has on his other children. The older sons all end up feeling like they are worthless in the eyes of Jacob. They also feel cheated by him and so they grow envious and jealous of Joseph.

Any time a parent plays favorites the other children in the family will feel like they are some how lesser-than. They’ll feel defective, demoralized and ashamed for not being as good as the sibling who gets all of mom or dad’s attention. They will also begin to feel like they have to put effort into being lovable, since they aren’t loved equally for simply being who they are. This inevitably leads to sibling rivalry and animosity.

Joseph’s brothers go so far as to plot to kill him. They think better of it and choose to sell him into slavery instead. More often than not, these brothers are considered the villains of the story, but I don’t see them that way. If there is a “bad guy” it’s Jacob.

Jacob failed as a father to love all of his children equally. He failed to treat them with equal dignity. I understand that it’s easy for a parent to have a personal favorite and there’s probably no way to stop that, but every parent has a choice when it comes to acting on these feelings.

No parent should openly share the fact that a certain child is his or her favorite, and certainly no child should get preferential treatment over the others in the family. To show such favoritism is extremely immature on behalf of a parent and it makes the other children in the family feel as if they don’t count.

I know many addicts who suffer to this day because they were treated like the Cinderella of the family. Unfortunately for them, however, there was no fairy godmother or prince to rescue them. They were treated like they were less than human and less than lovable by one or both parents, while they watched their siblings receive little prince or little princess treatment from mom or dad. This double standard destroyed their self-worth and self-esteem.

Sadly, they ended up feeling worthless because unconditional love was never freely given to them by their parents. It’s no wonder so many of these people ended up believing the only way they could ever be loved in this world was if they could somehow earn love. And it’s no wonder that they then ended up becoming professional caretakers or people-pleasers.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news: It’s never too late to re-parent yourself. If you grew up feeling lesser-than because one of your siblings received preferential treatment from your mom or dad, it’s time to acknowledge that you weren’t the one who was defective in some way. Mom or dad was the defective one. Most likely they were too broken inside or too immature to realize that their preferential treatment toward one child was causing damage to their other children. It wasn’t that you were unlovable. It was all about the fact that your parents didn’t know how to love responsibly.

You may need to take some time to be angry with them. Do it. Granted, they only did the best that they knew how to do in any given moment, but that doesn’t excuse anything they did wrong. If they failed to love you properly, you have the right to be angry about it. If you are at home by yourself, pretend they’re in the room with you and tell them exactly how you feel. Speak just as if they were really present. Get your frustration out by speaking your truth, or by sitting down and writing them a letter explaining exactly how you feel. You don’t have to ever send them the letter. But you do need to get the poison out of your system.

It’s true that no one can change the past, but you can give yourself a break. Acknowledge right here and now that you were not to blame for how your parents treated you as a child. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you are indeed lovable just the way you are, even if mom or dad were never able to acknowledge that fact. Choose to give yourself the love you so desperately wanted from mom or dad. No one can stop you from feeling lovable right now—except you.

So choose to re-parent yourself by giving yourself all of the love and attention that you have always deserved. Say over and over again “I choose to accept and love myself just as I am— and I am loveable!”