Coping With OCD

“You are the only person who thinks in your mind!

You are the power and authority in your world.”

Louise Hay

It’s true that we have power over our minds, although that power can sometimes be limited by brain chemistry. I suffer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is caused by a lack of proper serotonin production. As a result, I sometimes am powerless to override negative thinking with positive thinking.

Over the past six months I have been free of any drugs that help your brain to produce serotonin, like Zoloft or Prozac (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). I wanted to see if I could now manage my serotonin through diet, exercise and an increased awareness of my obsessive (irrational) thinking.

The first four months went really well. I got all of my feelings back and was able to cry again. One of the downsides of selective serotonin reuptake drugs is that they suppress your feelings. So I was initially happy to feel again—until some of the feelings got too intense.

I went through a month where a deep sadness set in. I don’t remember ever feeling so sad. Fortunately I was able to work through it each time by reaching out to friends and talking. Things seemed to be getting manageable, but then anxiety set in. I woke up one night with a panic attack and it took me nearly two hours to calm back down enough to go back to bed. The feelings I had were so intense that I felt like someone had thrust a sword through me and that I might die at any moment.

After that happened, I found myself on pins and needles with anxiety between meals. As soon as I ate something, like salmon or turkey, I started feeling more balanced, but I found that I was constantly having to eat nuts or something to keep some serotonin flowing.

It all became mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. Then I found a knot on top of my head that was crusty. I immediately went into an old OCD panic over it. Thoughts like “Oh my God, it’s a tumor!” or “Oh my God, it’s skin cancer!” went raging through my head. And even though I knew it was an obsessive compulsive panic, I couldn’t stop it. No amount of prayer or positive thinking was able to rescue me.

I had to immediately get in to see my doctor to have my nerves calmed. It was like reliving the past when I was constantly getting caught-up in this type of obsessive compulsive thinking and I decided I can’t go back to living that way ever again. So I asked my doctor to put me back in a low dosage of Zoloft.

I’m not happy about being back on medication, but I’m grateful that I already feel more balanced. From my experiment, I learned that I can’t do it all on my own—that I do need to rely on modern medicine in order to have positive control over my thoughts.

Working with the Zoloft does give me authority over my thoughts and my world. I’m not recommending drugs and I wish I could do it on my own, but it’s a bigger job than I can handle. The same is true for recovery in general. It’s not something we can do on our own. We first need to take responsibility for our lives, true—but we also need help. We need the help of a Higher Power, of friends and family, and sometimes of modern medicine as well.