YIKES-- The Return of Needy Thoughts and Clingy Feelings!



Clingy feelings must be the worst feelings, aside from shame and guilt. Clingy feelings are usually tied to needy thoughts like “I can’t stand to be alone with myself” or “I need you (could be anyone) to rescue me from myself and make me OK.”

Codependents are very familiar with needy thoughts and clingy feelings. Prior to recovery, needy ideas and clingy feelings were pretty much the norm for me. They dominated my day—every day of the week.

Recovery has allowed me to feel much more comfortable in my own skin, but occasionally clingy feelings still sneak up on me. This happened during my recent vacation. I spent a lot of time with my friend Richard over my two weeks of vacation, and for some unknown reason, needy ideas and clingy feelings began to resurface around him.

Richard and I live in different states so I don’t see him that often. In the past when I’ve spent time with him I’ve enjoyed that time without feeling needy or clingy. But last month was different. I found myself wanting to know more about his other friends (those he hangs with on a regular basis), and I felt myself being swallowed-up inside by old threatening ideas. For the very first time, I felt threatened by his other friendships and experienced the old familiar need to control them. It was that horrible old feeling that dictates the need to ensure that I AM HIS BEST FRIEND—and no one else.

Yikes! Those old needy ideas made me feel increasingly clingy and compelled to spend more time with Richard at the exclusion of his other friends. The important thing here is that I became aware of these old bad thoughts and the clingy feelings that were arising inside of me—but I didn’t act on them. When I felt threatened around his other friends, I just allowed those feelings to be present, but I did not allow them to control my behavior.

Before recovery I didn’t understand how feeling threatened by the other friends of an important friend of mine was irrational. Today, I understand that it’s totally irrational. I also understand that these old needy thoughts and clingy feelings arose from the dead, and that they have something important to tell me. Obviously, I have wounded places inside that are not yet healed, and something about Richard brought that fact to the surface for me.

These walking-dead feelings may have arisen because I haven’t had a friend as close as Richard in a long time. Closeness can trigger possessiveness. And possessiveness is threatened by others who are close to the person we are wanting to possess. Possessiveness also lends itself to clinginess.

So I’ve found myself backing away and giving Richard more space. I don’t want to have an exclusive friendship with one person. It’s important to build good friendships with many people. Doing so gives us proper balance and perspective in our relationships. It also calms needy thoughts and clingy feelings. Those have since returned to their graves where I hope they will remain—forever!

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