Facing the Demon Known as Denial

My CODA group is currently reading the book Conquering Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer. Recently one of the members mentioned to me that he found the book difficult to read. I believe I understand where he was coming from, although he may not yet understand that fact about what’s going on inside of himself. Often times when we find a recovery book 1) doesn’t resonate with us, or 2) is difficult to read, it is a clue as to what is really going on inside of us subconsciously.

I believe in both of these instances, our denial is being unearthed and disturbed. When a recovery book doesn’t resonate with us at all, we are most likely so bound-up by our denial that the book seems totally foreign to us. We say to ourselves, “Well, this isn’t me at all” as we read about the fact that codependents engage in caretaking and other manipulative behaviors. So we put the book aside and allow it to gather dust. This has been the beginning of the story for many people who I have talked with. And the end of the story is always the same. Months or even years later, they picked up the same recovery book and suddenly it all made sense: They completely related to most all of the codependent patterns of behavior described in the book.

How can this be? Well, I believe that when they initially picked up the recovery book, a slight bit of denial had been brushed away, but not enough for the book to resonate yet. Their denial was still so strong that they weren’t able to honestly see themselves in what they were reading. As time passed, and as their denial lessened, their eyes were opened and they could push past their remaining denial and see they indeed suffered from codependent behaviors.

Likewise, when a recovery book seems difficult to read, it is often triggering a deep-seated resistance inside of us. We feel an internal discomfort but don’t always recognize the feeling as resistance. This resistance is being pushed forward by our addictive personalities, which are feeling threatened by what we are reading. Inside of us, the addictive personality knows that if we keep reading our denial is going to be blown to smithereens and we will finally know the truth about ourselves: That we are indeed addicts.

This is the greatest fear of the addictive personality: That it will be discovered and be proven to be a liar and a cheat. Once those facts are laid bare and a person enters into recovery, the addictive personality faces banishment. It would be great if recovery could guarantee total annihilation of the addictive personality, but that hasn’t been proven possible yet. The best we can do is tame the addictive personality through recovery.

So, if you pick up a certain recovery book and find it doesn’t resonate, you may not be ready yet to see the real truth it is telling you about yourself. If you’ve experienced this in the past, you may want to go back now and look at the book again to see if you’re ready for the truth. And if you are currently reading a recovery book that causes you to feel resistance, remember that resistance is actually telling you that you need to keep reading because you are on the verge of breaking through your denial. In other words, you are on the brink of discovering a happier, healthier you as you begin to work past all of the lies that the addictive personality has fed you for years.