Empathy Is Essential for Growth in Recovery



Many codependents have a problem with needing to be right and a problem with forgiving. These problems begin inside ourselves. First of all, we aren’t very good at having empathy and compassion for ourselves and our own brokenness. As a result, we rarely look beyond the surface of other people to see into their personal brokenness in order to have empathy and compassion for them.

This contributes to an attitude of “us against the world.” We then become more concerned with being right, in order to addictively boost our poor self-esteem, than we become interested in having authentic relationships with others.

When we develop a “my way or the highway” means of thinking, we engage in arguments with people, even if we don’t like confrontation. And it’s more important that we win the argument than it is for us to keep the friendship. In other words, being right becomes more important to us than people are.

This is why it’s so important in Recovery to develop a sense of true empathy. We must do so first for ourselves and our own imperfections. Self-empathy allows us to be more aware that other people are also broken inside and that we need to offer them the same empathy that we have learned to offer ourselves.

Once we develop empathy and compassion, our arguments turn into discussions. Arguments are all about being right. In an argument, someone must be wrong and someone must be right. Discussions are different. They aren’t about being right or wrong. Discussions are about both persons respectfully listening to each other so they can better understand each other, and grow closer together whether they agree with each other or not. Discussions also allow us to hear things from a different perspective, and to hopefully grow as individuals.

As we develop empathy and compassion, we also find it easier to forgive ourselves for past mistakes and to also better be able to forgive others for their past mistakes.

Empathy and compassion are essential for working the 12 Steps and for moving forward toward functionally, life giving and loving relationships with ourselves and with others. 

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