Why Are You Trying Hard to Please Others? Your Motivation is the Key


“Loving on our hands and knees, always trying hard to please, never in my life have I questioned or discovered why.” This is the chorus to China Crisis’ 1985 single “You Did Cut Me.” Anyone who is codependent can relate to every word in the chorus to this song.

I spent 30 some years bending over backwards “trying hard to please.” I begged for love on my hands and knees by care taking and people pleasing endlessly. And all I received in return was perpetual requests for help, and shaming if I said “No!”

Never did “I question or discover why” I embraced these bad patterns of behavior until I went to therapy in 1995. That’s when I discovered that I had almost every known symptom of codependency. But I didn’t discover what the real difference was between codependent behavior and the natural want to help others until the following year.

And how do we distinguish the difference between being codependent and being helpful? We examine out motivation for our behavior. In the height of my codependency I helped (think caretake) because I wanted something in return. I wanted someone else to need me and love me and make me happy by reciprocating my caretaking. That never happened and every relationship fell apart because my motivation was all about me, and not about the other person(s).

Codependents caretake. Healthy people caregive. A codependent is giving in order to “take” from the other. Hence the term caretaking is literal. People who love themselves give to others naturally and have no expectations of receiving anything in return. Hence the term caregiving is also literal. There’s a huge difference between the two.

So if you’re not sure whether or not you’re truly codependent, check your motivation. Why are you giving? Why are you trying hard to please? If it’s because you want someone else to give you the love you’re refusing to give yourself, you’re codependent. If it’s because you want anything in return for your willingness to give, you’re codependent. Or simply a manipulator. 

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