Cancel Your Subsciption to Drama and Chaos



Sometimes we not only need to cancel our subscriptions to other people’s issues, but also to our need for them.

Today I got up and everything was fine, but suddenly there was a bad old feeling purculating up inside of me. It was a very familiar feeling; one that I’ve never quite known how to label. It’s like a mixture of fear, dread, anxiousness and feeling unsafe. Some might label it as “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” but I think it may be a feeling of actually wanting the other shoe to drop— of missing and wanting chaos in my life.

I had a good weekend. I went to the Symphony last Friday night and was mesmerized by Gil Shaham’s rendition of Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto. On Saturday, I directed a filled to capacity Surrender Box retreat that went magnificently. I gave a talk on living life to the fullest in the present moment at three different services Saturday evening and Sunday morning and received nothing but accolades.

In other words, nothing chaotic or bad happened over the entire weekend. There was no drama or chaos. This morning all was still well— maybe too well. And so I started wondering if this very familiar bad feeling was really a sort of withdrawal from chaos and drama and a signal that I needed to create a crisis for myself, since there wasn’t one readily available.

I’ve been keeping my nose out of other people’s lives and issues, I haven’t been experiencing any of my own, and I think that very fact creates a void or emptiness in the life of an addictive personality like mine. As much as I hate drama and chaos, it’s difficult to live without any because I’m so addicted to it.

As it turns out, cancelling our subscriptions to other people’s issues and our need for drama isn’t so easy, unless we are aware of what we’re craving. This morning I think I was craving chaos because I’ve gone several days without it. Now that I’m aware of that craving, and truly don’t want it, I’ve let go of it by surrendering it to my Higher Power. And all is well.

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