Are You Still Singing and Dancing to That Old Codependent Top 10 Hit Song?


“You’re giving me a song and a dance, a tale of romance,
But haven’t I heard those words before?
You’re telling me you’re gonna be true, but I shouldn’t listen to you
For hasn’t my heart been fooled before?
Oh, you’re giving me a song and a dance, and I’m falling for your romance
But haven’t I heard those words before?
You’re Giving Me a Song and a Dance, Marty Symes

You’re Giving Me a Song and a Dance was a song made popular by the orchestras of Artie Shaw and Benny Goodman back in the 1930s. Peg La Centra sang the lyric for Shaw and Helen Ward sang it for Goodman. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of the Codependent Trap.

What’s the Codependent Trap? It’s when we engage in the dysfunctional, codependent Song and Dance that others spin for us and we spin for ourselves. It’s about the “song” with the codependent words that play through our heads; that old “song” of neediness. We known how it goes. We sing it to ourselves all of the time. It’s all about how we “need” someone to take care of; someone who we can lose all of our self-loathing and all of our misery in; someone who’s going to make us OK.

And while we’re singing this Codependent Top 10 Hit song to ourselves, we are also listening for anyone out there who might be singing the same song. We’re anxiously and vigilantly searching for that someone who’ll give us that same old “Song and Dance;” someone whose song is all about how they are so much needier than we are; someone whose song is all about how willing they are to have us rescue them from themselves; and someone whose song is all about their promises to rescue us in return.

Oh, yes! We’ve heard those words before! And oh, yes! We’ve engaged in that dance time and again. We’ve consciously ignored all of the red flags that our subconscious minds desperately wave in front of our eyes. And we’ve done it so well that a high speed, non-stop train (we’ll call it the Codependent Express) could hit us and we still wouldn’t consciously see those flags. Instead of seeing the Recovery Express Train, we allow ourselves to see stars; addictive stars that we confuse for love.

And once those addictive stars are back in our eyes, no matter how many times we have fallen into this addictive trap, we will most likely choose to fall into it again. No matter how many times we’ve been fooled before, we are all too willing to fool ourselves one more time. Why? Because we are desperate for the intimacy that we have never experienced in our entire lives.

The Codependent Trap is the bear-trap of addiction. It’s all about addictive language that we speak to ourselves and that we “read” through the words and actions or behaviors of other addicts. It’s about being in a comfort zone—one that we know all too well and feel all too comfortable in even though we know it offers us no hope of anything but one more worthless song and dance.

And so how do we stop falling for the romance of the Codependent Trap, of that old addictive song and dance routine? Awareness. We need to be aware when we are feeling needy. We need to be aware of the fact that we are once again believing we will find our worth by rescuing someone else from their neediness. And we need to be aware when we are being seduced by someone else’s needy song and dance.

We need to also remember when someone is promising us the moon and telling us that we are the only person they could ever love that the real TRANSLATION to their words is “I’ll love you as long as you’re willing to take care of all of my problems forever. I’ll love you for how ever long you allow me to abuse you.”

Abuse is not love. Caretaking is not love. And neither abuse nor caretaking nor neediness can form the foundation for a life-long fulfilling relationship with anyone.

So next time you hear someone giving you a Song and a Dance, ask yourself “Where have I heard these words before?” Ask yourself, “What’s the sudden attraction here? Why am I so attracted to this person? Is this about “NEEDINESS” or not? Am I singing my old Song and moving to my old Dance? Am I wanting to rescue this person so that he/she can rescue me in return?

Take time to SEE the red flags before the Codependent Express, that awful Non-Stop Speed Train, can broadside you. Stop participating in that same old song and dance, and start asking your Higher Power for the lyrics and dance steps to a new healthy Song and Dance! (And get your ass to CODA or AL-ANON meetings!!!)



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