Building Good Relationships: Step One

There’s age-old wisdom in the idea that if you wish to build a good relationship with another person, you need to start by building a good relationship with yourself. This is a difficult concept for those of us who, through our codependency, believed that building a good relationship with another person was all about rescuing that person from themselves while at that same time said person rescued us from ourselves.

Certainly the idea of our first building a good relationship with ourselves was never on the table. In fact, to the average codependent, the very thought of building a good relationship with themselves is repulsive. Instead we think things to ourselves like “Me? Build a good relationship with icky old me? YUK! NO WAY! I need to find someone who can rescue me from myself and make me OK!”

There’s a lot of faultiness to this thinking. First off, if we find ourselves so repulsive, why in the world would we assume that there could be someone out there in this world who would think we are anything but repulsive, too? I mean won’t EVERYONE out there think we are equally as repulsive as we do? So how could there be someone out there who is supposedly going to rescue us from our repulsive selves?

Well, the truth is that there is no one out there who’s going to rescue us from our repulsive selves. We are the only persons on earth who can do that job. So let’s start. First off, we have to challenge the idea that we are some how repulsive, less than, unacceptable or not good enough. Where did these ideas come from? Did we just make them up, or did people force these ideas on us when we were children? Are these ideas true or are they false? Have we really put them to the test?

If we want to build a good relationship with ourselves, we need to understand what keeps us from liking ourselves. Take some time and make a list. Divide a sheet of paper down the middle with a line. On one side list all of the things about yourself that you find unacceptable. For example, you could list “I’m ugly.” Now opposite that listing, on the other side of the line, write down when you started believing you are ugly. How old were you? Did someone tell you something like “You’re an ugly duckling”? If so, who? What could have been their motivation for telling you this? Why have you chosen to believe it? Are you willing to stop believing it? Can you at least try?

Building a good relationship with ourselves requires that we work through all of the things/issues that keep us from wanting to build a good relationship with ourselves. It also means that we then learn to replace our self-criticism with self-kindness. We need to stop being harsh with ourselves and practice being gentle with ourselves. If we feel ugly, there are many things we can do to pamper ourselves and make ourselves feel and look more attractive. Learning to love ourselves better is the best cure of all for ugliness. The kinder we treat ourselves, the more we will value ourselves from within; and a radiance from within will then begin to wash over the outside of us. And it will make us much more beautiful to ourselves and to the world around us.

Building good relationships with others isn’t about rescuing others, or having them rescue us. Building good relationships with others is about two whole, happy people, who have built good relationships with themselves, coming together to compliment each other. If you want that kind of good, loving, interdependent relationship with other people, then start today by building a good healthy relationship with yourself.