There's a Difference Between "Needing" and "Neediness"

There’s a big difference between needing someone to fill up our emptiness and needing companionship. Everyone needs companionship. We all need the simple companionship that we usually find in various social settings, from school to church to clubs to work. We need the sense of connection, of belonging and of happiness we find in sharing common interests with others. This is how companionship begins. We meet people we like and we discern who we have the greatest sense of connection with and who we best feel we are able to trust. Then we begin to build a deeper bond with those persons.

We all need to tell our story to others. And it’s essential that we open up and be honest about who we are with at least one other person. Someone needs to hear and experience the true mystery of who we are. And there is a two-fold miracle that evolves from our telling our story to others. Those who hear and experience it know and understand us better—and we begin to know and understand ourselves better. We need to verbally hear our own story as told by us to have a greater understanding of who we really are. Hearing ourselves tell our own story opens the door within us beyond denial and spreads the light of clarity between the dust-webs in our heads.

As two people begin to honestly share their inner-mysteries, relationships begin to flourish into full-fledged friendships that may eventually become lasting companionships. A real friend and future companion is someone we accept for who they are, that we trust, that we are honest with and that we cherish as a gift from God.

A true friend/companion then is someone we like to have dinner with or attend movies or concerts with on a regular basis. As the relationship grows, we may take weekend trips, or travel on vacations with these same persons. And as the relationship truly deepens, we may find that the more we share the mysteries of ourselves, the more we have a deep desire to share the mysteries of the world with each other. Over time we grow to compliment each other’s lives through our shared honesty, affection for each other and our common interests.

What I’ve just described is about “needing,” not “neediness.” We all have needs that we are responsible for filling. When we can’t fill all of those needs by ourselves, we have to ask others for help. They can help us with those needs that we can’t fully take care of ourselves. But they cannot give us what we are not willing to give ourselves. In other words, they cannot be responsible for doing what we need to be doing for ourselves. This is how neediness begins. Neediness develops when we refuse to meet our own needs and expect others should do it for us.

We are needy emotionally when we refuse to care for our inner-needs. Needy people refuse to love themselves. They expect that others should love them into being OK with themselves, that others should give them special attention all of the time, and that others should focus their entire lives around their needy little selves. In many ways needy people are like tapeworms. Their entire existence is based on sucking the life out of someone else because they refuse to nourish themselves with their own ability to love who they are. Everyone has that ability. It may be badly damaged, but it is always available.

For many non-recovering people, the mere thought of loving themselves is repugnant. They can’t even fathom how they could begin to love themselves. And yet it’s simple. Begin by being kind to yourself. Begin by realizing that no one can make you whole inside but you. No one can fill-up your inner-emptiness with enough love to cure you—but you. Once you begin to love who you are, you will need companionship. You will be hungry for it, but you won’t be hungry for it to complete you. You will be hungry for it to compliment you—to compliment how good you feel about yourself, to compliment the happiness you already possess and to compliment your continuing need to experience all of the mysteries of life; including those mysteries we find inside of our dearest friends and companions.

So don’t confuse the need for friendships and companions with the neediness of codependency. If you’re just feeling lonely for someone to talk to, you’re needing to spend some time with a friend. But if you feel anxious-out-of-your-skin for someone to cling to and lose yourself in, then you’re suffering from the neediness of the codependent crazies. There’s a huge difference between the two and it’s all about how you feel.