Feeling Unlovable and Facing Those Feelings



“Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?”
Darren Hayes, Unlovable

Darren Hayes was part of the wildly successful 1990s band Savage Garden, which produced massive hit singles like “Truly, Madly, Deeply” and “I Always Knew I Loved You.” In 2000, he left the band to start a solo career that hasn’t been quite as successful. “Unlovable” is a favorite song of mine from his 2004 album The Tension and The Spark.

Some days I feel very unlovable. I still struggle with the terrible acne scarring that ravaged my face when I was 14. As I get older and sagging areas further emphasize the scars, I feel very ugly. And I know it’s not going to get better. Time isn’t on my side. So I look in the mirror and I feel unlovable and sad. Lotions can only do so much, and I’m tired of people to this very day asking me “What happened to your face?” All it does is remind me that my face, my skin, isn’t the norm—that it’s somehow unlookable, unkissable, untouchable, unlovable.

I struggle with what I can do about this seemingly unlovable face of mine. When I’m in a bad space about it, I know I project my bad feelings onto others; wondering how they could ever even like me. When I’m in a better space, I project less and am obviously less self-conscious. Still, it’s been a problem for me for many, many years—one I’ve chosen to deny and run from most of the time. I’ve never taken the time to face it by writing about it before. I believe this is the first step toward acceptance.

Either I have to come to accept my face as it is, or I have to take some corrective action. Acceptance is first and foremost important, I believe. I have to face the scarring that has caused me so much pain. I wish I really knew how bad it is or isn’t, however. I wish I could see my face through the eyes of others. Mirrors are so unreliable. One mirror tells me I look horrible enough to want to die, and another mirror tells me I look way better than I ever thought. Which one is telling the truth? I have no way of knowing. Either way, I know I have to reach a level of accepting what I cannot change.

When it comes to what I can change, there are options. Dermatology can do all sorts of things to make it better, but that’s expensive. The same is true for high-end cosmetics. It may come down to just how much acceptance my Higher Power can help me to achieve and how important it is to me to invest in change that is affordable.

Either way, I’m tired of days like today: Days where I look in the mirror and I feel so completely untouchable and unlovable. If you feel the way sometimes, too, work on accepting what you can’t change about yourself. Ask your Higher Power to help you. Realize when you are projecting your own bad feelings about yourself onto others and stop doing it. People see us way different—and usually way better—than we see ourselves. And then decide what you can do, what you can change about yourself to make yourself feel more lovable, touchable and kissable.

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