You Can't Force Feelings

You can’t force feelings. It’s my birthday and I know I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m really feeling sad today. First of all, I’m way past the age of being happy about being another year older. And secondly, I don’t have the love and the other heart and soul necessities that I need to feel happy about facing another year.

I spent the past couple of days with a really good friend, whom I love a lot, and we’ve had a really good time hitting the amusement parks in Los Angeles. I appreciate his friendship and the fun times and I am grateful for both. This friend even helped to maneuver a surprise birthday party for me yesterday. He’s a really precious person—and I’d probably be feeling even sadder today without his friendship.

But I still feel a deep, deep sadness that isn’t going away. I think rationally that I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I don’t want to be feeling this way. Unfortunately, I know why I’m feeling this way:  I feel so stuck in a life that I am not completely happy with living. Deep down I know that I am the only person who can do something about the fact that I feel so trapped. I know I have to take charge and make the choice to take the necessary risks to change my life for the better—instead of just gliding along in neutral like I’ve been doing for too many months now.

Feeling trapped is about being the helpless victim. It’s a mentality that I have broken out of in the past, but it’s a codependent mentality that’s hard to overcome completely. It’s so ingrained.

So today I will walk with my sad feelings until they lift, and I will think about how I can get myself out of this trapped mentality. I will do all of this without acting out or trying to falsely medicate myself into feeling better (shopping, chocolate, etc.) I will ask my Higher Power to help me—even though I’m not happy with my Higher Power right now and may trade him in for a different one. I will work at freeing myself to move forward in healthy ways.