If You Really Want a Better Life, You Will Create It

“If you really, really want to do something, no one can stop you.

But if you really don’t want to do something, then no one can help you.”

James A. Owen, Drawing Out the Dragons

When it comes to recovery, there is certainly great truth in what James A. Owen says above. The day we decide we really, really want a better life for ourselves is the day that we can make the choice to start building that better life—and no one can stop us aside from ourselves.

Of course this means we have to “really” want a better life bad enough, and for most addictive personalities, wanting a better life “bad enough” usually means we have hit bottom. The day we hit bottom is the day that life becomes so painful and so unmanageable we are finally willing to say “I surrender.” It’s the day that we finally acknowledge that we can’t make it on our own any longer. It’s the day we finally reach out to a Higher Power and to others who can help us piece our lives back together.

Back in October of 1995 I finally hit bottom. I waved a big white flag in the face of the entire world, as I knew it, and said “I’m done! My life is all f---ed up and I can’t go on like this anymore!!!” I turned to God and asked “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I build good relationships? Why do I make a mess out of everything? What do I need to do to get my act together?”

I found that asking these questions was important. They opened up a doorway in my consciousness and it didn’t take long for a friend to say to me “You need to see a therapist.” Yikes! That was an answer I didn’t want, but I knew I needed to hear it. And I knew that I really, really wanted my life to get better, so I did my research and found a good therapist.

That therapist steered me toward Codependents Anonymous. At the time, I didn’t have any self-esteem or self-confidence. I didn’t like the idea of going to a meeting where I knew no one and I would be forced to talk before strangers—to be vulnerable. I was so used to controlling life that being vulnerable before strangers was unimaginable to me. But I wanted my life to get better really, really bad and through pure grace, surrender and determination, I was able to do what I needed to do to begin my recovery process.

I had a fire burning inside my soul. I went to my first CODA meeting and nothing was going to stop me from going. I didn’t think about it, I just did it. At that meeting I listened and I even spoke up: “My name is Charlie and my therapist tells me I’m codependent. And after listening to you all, I guess he’s right.” Everyone laughed. I felt connected, I felt like I belonged and I was on my way to making a better life for myself.

I want to caution everyone at this point: I was on my way, true, but it meant I had to keep working at making my life better EVERY DAY. Recovery isn’t about I’ll help myself today and maybe tomorrow and that’s it. I’ve watched too many people make the conscious choice to make their lives better, only to suddenly decide it isn’t worth it; or to decide to slide-through instead of doing the necessary work. Recovery isn’t easy. It isn’t like taking an aspirin. We have to work at it EVERY DAY if we really, really want our lives to become better.

Of course, the longer you work your recovery program the easier and more natural it becomes. But for most people that means weeks, months, even years of facing painful truths and realities. It means honestly experiencing growing pains. But you never have to face those growing pains alone because you always have your Higher Power to guide you and your recovery friends to lend you a helping hand.

As James A. Owen says, though, no one can help you unless you really, really want to make your life better. No one can do for you what you aren’t willing to do for yourself. No one can rescue you or save you from yourself. Only you can do that. Once you make the choice to change your life for the better, everyone—including God-- can help you.

Make that choice to change your life for the better today—and stick with it. People will be there for you as long as you are willing to help yourself.