Pray Your Way to an Authentic Higher Power

“All I do each night is pray

hopin' that I'll be a part

of you again someday

All I do each night is think

of all the times I close the door

to keep my love within.”

Take That, Pray (1993)

Prayer can be as baffling and as confusing as addiction itself. Many people enter the doors of recovery suffering from more than just abuse inflicted upon them by others and themselves. Many of us also enter recovery feeling equally abused by God. And some of us could easily defend the concept that God is dead.

After all, where was God when all of this abuse began happening to us as defenseless children? Why would a supposedly loving, all-powerful God sit back and do nothing to defend us? Where was God when we were learning to hate ourselves for not being good enough? Why didn’t God make us good enough? Why did God love other people more than us by making them better? Why isn’t God on my side?

These are just a few of the very valid questions that any of us may have when we enter recovery. We are angry with a God who hasn’t been there for us. We enter 12 Step recovery with great hope for making our lives better, and then we are smacked in the face with what seems like an unreasonable demand: Belief in a Higher Power who can help return us to sanity.

I grew-up with a Catholic God who kept score. This god kept a checklist of all the bad things I did. He didn’t seem to care that much about the good things. His focus was on the bad; and if I did too many bad things, I was destined for hell—no if, ands or buts about it. The God that my Catholic upbringing painted for me could never be on my side unless I was perfect. Wow! What a dilemma. Who can be perfect enough to be acceptable to this god? Certainly not me.

So I grew-up very pious, but with little hope of ever really having this god on my side. And of course the older I got, the more difficult it became to be perfect. After all, as we grow into puberty and young adulthood we are faced with all sorts of “sins” that we didn’t face as small children. We have more to feel guilty and shameful about, more to beat ourselves up with and more to make us feel further alienated from God.

When I entered recovery I had to face the fact that the god I had grown up with was a false image of God. After all, the god I grew up with didn’t have an ounce of real love in his heart. This god’s love was all about your behavior. He loved you when you were good and hated you when you were bad. This was not the Prodigal Father God. This was not the God who loved everyone despite their behavior. This was not the God who found fault with certain behaviors but who loved everyone despite their imperfect behavior. This was not an unconditionally loving God.

Since entering recovery, I have had to struggle with building a new relationship with a new Higher Power. Unfortunately, my past relationship with the false god who failed me in every way is deeply engrained in me. It’s a constant struggle. And at times it is very hard to pray and open the door that keeps my love within, even though I know that this “door” keeps me separated from those I love, God and myself.

If you are struggling with opening “the door” to a Higher Power, it’s OK. Struggle. Scream, vent your anger at the god who failed you all of these many years. Cry, allow the tears to cleanse you of all of your pain. Then, after you have released all of the poison inside of you—the very poison that keeps the door inside closed—allow yourself to feel the instant relief that comes from spitting-out that self-destructive poison.

Give yourself enough time to allow your head to clear and your emotional state to find a healthy place of balance. Then pray for the real God to reveal itself to you. Give it time. Just pray each day for the door of your heart to open to your real Higher Power; to the God whose love you can feel and be strengthened by on a daily basis.

Keep praying and allowing a relationship to develop between you and your Higher Power. Prayer is nothing more than talking. Talk to your Higher Power like you would a close friend. Tell your Higher Power everything there is going on in your mind and in your heart. Maintain conscious contact with this Power and allow the door to genuine recovery to slowly open...