Soulshine

Now that song comes again and I still remember you saying ”Young boy afraid to risk for love to take a chance No light, no love will ever grow Inside your house of stone.” Now that song comes again (Oh, no, no) I still remember you saying ”Young boy who could not ask for love Your chance has passed No light, no love will ever grow.” I will build a house of stone. House of Stone by Roaring Boys I remember first hearing the song House of Stone back in the early 1980s. The melody wrapped its way around my stony little heart and tugged me down to my knees as the lyrics hit me like a brick upside my head. I knew I had built a house of stone around my heart, but I didn’t know what to do about it. On the one hand, my house of stone protected me-- to some degree-- from the pain of the outside world. But, on the other hand, it kept me from being vulnerable and from connecting with other people. It’s stealth protection meant that I couldn’t let any love in—not even ...

” We make the same mistakes and we share the same heartbreaks all you've got to do is let go Let go, let go Yeah, let go Let the spirit world inside protect you Let go, let go and let the wings of change direct you All you've got to do is let go.” Let Go by Intimate Strangers One of the great things about being in a 12 Step support group is the fact that you are constantly reminded of this one truth: Yes, indeed, we all make the same basic mistakes and we all share similar heartbreaks. It’s simply a fact that we are all in this messy, messy life together. And it’s also a fact that we are all meant to learn from each other by sharing our messy stories. They help to build bridges between us—bridges that lead us to new places filled with great wisdom and comfort. The very first Codependents Anonymous meeting I ever attended was at the Steps Alano Club in St. Louis, Missouri back in October of 1995. It was my first time attending any 12 Step group meetin...

“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.” Stephen Chbosky , The Perks of Being a Wallflower Friday I attended a talk by author Stephen Chbosky. At one point in his talk, he focused on Charlie, the protagonist of his book and film The Perks of Being a Wallflower . He said that he wanted to portray Charlie as the nicest person in the world. Charlie is someone that everyone should love. He’s kind, generous and loving. He accepts people as they are and consciously works at refraining from judging people. He’s open-minded and honest and trustworthy. His life should be perfect. And yet that is far from the truth. Charlie has suffered greatly at the hands of his family. As a small child, he was sexually abused by his Aunt Helen. Somehow, the rest of the family was totally oblivious to this big white elephant disruptin...

“Something will grow from all of this… and it will be me.” Jodi Hills Bad things happen to everyone. No one on earth is exempt. The most popular and successful people across this world have all suffered at the hands of others and from their own mistakes. So why is it that some people who suffer terribly rise above their suffering while others wallow in their suffering forever? Well, those who rise above their suffering choose to grow from their suffering. They feel the pain, grieve their losses and then ask themselves “What wisdom can I gain from this? What can I learn from what has happened to me that will benefit me in the future?” They consciously sift-through all of the darkness that they have experienced until they find a golden nugget of wisdom and it becomes a guiding light for them to take back their personal power and to move forward in life. People who wallow endlessly in the muck of their suffering never think to ask themselves, or their Higher Power, “W...

“Woke up this morning Closed in on all sides Nothing doing I feel resistance As I open my eyes Someone's fooling I've found a way to break Through this cellophane line Cause I know what's going on In my own mind. Am I living in a box Am I living in a cardboard box Am I living in a box Am I living in a cardboard box Am I living in a box?” Living In a Box by Living In a Box (1987) I’ve spent most of my life living in a box. As a child, I began constructing cardboard walls. Each and every passing year led me to reinforce these walls. During grade school and high school the walls were so well reinforced that they were practically indestructible. And by the time I reached college, I had closed the top on the box so tight that I could barely breathe inside of it. In many ways the box was an invisible shield around me. It protected me any time I needed to leave my room—my only place of safe-refuge within our house or the world for that matter. So t...

“Many people, especially cancer patients, grow up believing that there is some terrible flaw at the center of their being. A defect they must hide if they are to have any chance for love.” Dr. Bernie Siegel , Love, Medicine & Miracles Most every addict grows up believing that they are inherently flawed in an unacceptable and unchangeable way. This is certainly what I learned at a very young age: That I had major flaws that made me unlovable. Deep down, all of us know what are alleged flaws are. We’ve been carrying them around like boulders inside of us for years and years. As a result, these flaws have been major stumbling blocks in all of our relationships. Either we’ve lived with the crippling fear that if someone we love finds out, we will lose their love. Or we’ve never even allowed ourselves to truly open up to love for fear of being “found out.” And so we’ve used our flaws like two-edged swords to 1) beat ourselves with and: 2) to thrust at other people in ord...

“Look Inside yourself; Everything you want, you already are.” Rumi When people attend my retreats, I always tell them “all of your answers are inside of you.” I’ve learned through personal experience that this is absolutely true. No one has my answers to my inner-questions except me. I can ask someone for guidance and I can become more aware of the ways in which my Higher Power is speaking to me through other people. But NO ONE-- no other person-- can give me my answers. I have to do the work. I have to go inside of myself and discover the treasure that I have long been ignoring. This is why I believe Rumi’s statement above is so true: Everything we think we are lacking, we actually have already. We just don’t realize it. And we need to be willing to go inside ourselves and find the answers we need to make our lives whole and complete. It may take us years, but that’s OK. It’s worth it. Every answer we discover, every feeling of self-worth and value we reconnect with ma...

In the 1942 film Now, Voyager , there’s a very moving scene between Bette Davis (who plays Charlotte Vale) and Paul Henreid (who plays Jerry Durrance). It’s evening and the two are standing on the deck of an ocean-liner that’s heading toward Brazil. Earlier, they had spent the day site-seeing together.   Now, they’re sharing inner-secrets and taking time to actually be real with each other. Charlotte wipes away some very bittersweet tears and thanks Jerry for helping her to almost feel fully alive. It’s a touching, sad and yet hopeful moment for Charlotte—and those of us who can relate to her.  I’m not sure that I know what it feels like to be fully alive. There are times when, for just a few fleeting seconds, I have felt fully free, exhilarated and alive. It’s as if I am suddenly a real person in a real world that is filled with love, opportunities and excitement. The sky is electric blue, the air is fully fresh and I feel like I can swim oceans. But the feeling qui...