Love Is the Insanity of Loving Someone for Simply Being Who They Are




“Real Love is about the insanity of loving someone for simply being who they are and allowing them to love us for simply being who we are. And there are no strings attached to this love. Love is all about “being” in the moment and loving the moments you share with someone whose “being” you love.”
Charlie Wehrley, Soulshine

As a codependent, I often lived by the mantra “Within you my heart has found a home.” Basically, my heart was homeless because I never welcomed it inside of me. I never allowed my heart to find a home inside of me. So all of my focus was on finding someone who would have my heart, who would give it a home, but that never happened.

Today, I’m questioning whether or not our hearts can find homes inside of others. It almost seems like insanity to believe this could be possible. But then the question of true love gets in the way. Isn’t true love, unconditional love, insanity? It certainly is for many of us. We can’t begin to understand how anyone can turn the other cheek; or how love can look beyond the most hurtful of behavior; or how love can survive the deepest of betrayals; but true, unconditional love does survive all of these and more. And that in many ways is insanity.

So, maybe real love is the flip side of insanity? Maybe they are two sides of the same coin. And maybe there are no rational reasons or answers as to why we love someone so profoundly-- even when common sense tells us we shouldn’t love this person. There is a point of caution to consider here. We need to distinguish between what is simply part of love’s natural insanity, and what is a codependent insanity that we attach to or confuse with love.

I believe natural love for another person just happens. It’s partly about who that person REALLY is and not about what we fantasize or codependently make-up about them. In other words, when we are in the throes of the codependent crazies, we project all sorts of warm-fuzzies onto a person because we so want to enmesh in him/her. We aren’t “loving” that person for who they really are, but for who we want him/her to be to make us feel OK about ourselves. 

This is a codependent crush. It has nothing to do with reality. Reality goes like this: When we really love a person it’s all about being in the present moment and coming to gradually—over time—love what we experience about that person and with that person. Reality is about experiencing and loving the person as he/she really is. And it's about experiencing the moment with him/her as it really is-- in the NOW and not in our heads.

Real love is also about doing things we enjoy with someone whose presence we enjoy. It’s about the fact that two people truly like spending time with each other and doing things together that BOTH mutually enjoy. Codependents rarely choose people to attach to who enjoy the same things that they do. Instead of choosing people we have things in common with, we choose the opposite and work hard to bend and shape ourselves to meet that person’s needs. This is pure insanity-- without any love present.

Real love also has no strings attached. Real love doesn’t manipulate anyone. Real love isn’t about “getting” or “changing” anyone. Real love is simply about being: Both of us “being” who we are and “being” in the present moment with each other so we can truly enjoy and love each other’s presence.

We know wev'e found a real friend when we find someone that we truly enjoy being with, with no strings (manipulation) attached; and whose presence we appreciate, but aren’t needing to fill-us-up and make us OK. Eventually we may find ourselves loving that real friend in ways that seem like insanity. We may find we can forgive them without playing the blame game; we may feel that we can suddenly accept quirks about them that would have bothered us in the past; and we may come to have deep feelings for this person without even beginning to understand why. There is no answer to 'Why?" True love is spiritually beyond explaining.

Recognize that If there is no answer to “why,” concerning the love we feel for someone, this is probably a good sign. If we can’t identify a “why” then we probably don’t have a hidden agenda. It means we aren’t trying to be who this person wants us to be, or trying to make them into whoever we want them to be. We’re loving them in unconditional ways that may make no sense because true love often makes no sense. We can be at peace with this because true love also contains no fear or anxiety. False love is about feeling fearful and anxious; and fear and anxiety are all about neediness, manipulation and lack of being honest. Sometimes we do feel anxious in relationships because we aren’t being truthful and honest due to the fact that we are still loving ourselves very poorly and wanting someone to fix us.

So remember this: True love begins when our hearts find a home inside of ourselves. True love can lead our hearts to find a home inside of someone else, but that new home inside of someone else can’t replace the fact that our heart’s primary home still needs to exist within us. It may seem like insanity to believe that our hearts can find a home inside of someone else, but then true love is about insanity. Love is about the insanity of loving someone for simply being who they are and allowing them to love us for simply being who we are. And there are no strings attached to this love. Love is all about “being” in the moment and loving the moments you share with someone whose “being” you love.

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