What Have You Done for Me Lately?

“Used to be a time when you would pamper me
Used to brag about it all the time
Your friends seem to think that you're so peachy keen
But my friends say neglect is on your mind...
Who’s right?
What have you done for me lately?
Ooh ooh ooh yeah
What have you done for me lately?
Ooh ooh ooh yeah.”

Janet Jackson, What Have You Done for Me Lately?

The addictive personality has more than one way of keeping a check list. There’s the Old Check List that keeps tracks of all of the reasons why someone else really isn’t good enough for us; and there’s the laundry list that details all of the ways in which someone has failed to return our love and attention, or rather, our caretaking.

Let’s face it: Active codependents don’t do anything out of the pure goodness of their hearts. Everything we do comes with strings attached. We deceive ourselves into believing that we really care about someone and then we proceed to smother that person with total love and attention (and I’m using the word “love” here VERY loosely). We actively involve ourselves in meeting that person’s every need. We pamper and lavish them in every way our twisted little minds can conceive of; and we do this with a huge expectation looming in the center of our hearts. That expectation is simple: Now they will have to love and need me and they will then return all of my “love” and attention.

And so we wait. And we lavish. And we wait. And we pamper. And we wait. And finally we get pissed because we aren’t receiving the pampering or the attention back that we so desperately want and expect. Sooner or later we end up in the mind frame that is so eloquently expressed in Janet Jackson’s mega-hit from the 1980s: “What Have You Done for Me Lately?”

We remove our massage mitts and put on our boxing gloves. We pull out our long, long laundry list of all of the things we have done for that person and we go on the attack. We are often merciless. We bring out all of the big guns to supplement our laundry list. We use guilt (“After all I’ve done for you, THIS is how you treat me?”), we use shame (“If you really loved me, you’d do a better job of showing it. But you don’t! I get nothing in return from you! Obviously you don’t really love or care about me. I’d be ashamed to treat people the way YOU do!”). And we use threats (“Well, if this is how it’s going to be than I’m out of here!).

In reality, life isn’t about what we do for others. And certainly love isn’t about doing. Love is about being. It’s about being who we are. When we truly love another person it’s all about who they are. It’s never about what they do or don’t do for us. Sometimes there’s no explaining why we love someone, but one thing I truly believe is that it has nothing to do with “doing.” Love is not about giving so we can get from others. Love is not about receiving from others and then feeling compelled to have to give back to them.

Love is being in the natural flow of the moment with persons you care about for simply “being” who they are. So if you are still care-giving, please stop. Realize that care-giving has nothing to do with love. We can’t earn love by “doing” for others. We can only share love with others by authentically being who we are and allowing others to authentically be who they are, because love is all about “being.” It’s about “being” who we are and “being” in the present moment enough to love others for simply “being” who they are.

Throw away the self-serving concept of “What have you done for me lately?” And throw away your laundry list. All anyone needs to “do” for us to express their love is to “be” who they uniquely are and that’s all we need to “do” for them in return.