The Old Check List Destroys Relationships

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”

The Twelve Steps Life Learning Device

As a person who grew-up never feeling good enough about myself, I learned to build many walls. Looking back I realize that I always wanted to build bridges. I’m a romantic at heart. It’s part of my nature. I want to love and be loved. But fear always got in my way: Fear of being hurt again and fear of abandonment.

Even now, I can see how fear moves me to burn bridges with people that I am choosing to get closer to on a personal level. I have a friend who I love dearly right now and we have really great times together. When I’m in the moment everything is great, but when I have down time and get into my head I find myself keeping the Old Check List.

The Old Check List is my way of destroying relationships or burning bridges between myself and others. The List consist of all the reasons why a particular person isn’t really good enough for me. As odd as it seems, this paradox often happens in the minds of addictive people. We, as codependents, usually believe that we aren’t good enough for others. At the same time, however, we also chose to decide that some people aren’t good enough for us. This makes no sense at all. How do we go from feeling inferior one moment to feeling superior the next moment? I don’t know. It must be something in our brain chemistry.

Regardless of why we swing from feeling inferior to feeling superior, I recently found myself keeping the Old Check List with the person who has become my best friend over the past few years. We do a lot together and we have great times. But the more we do together, the closer we get and inside that is terrifying me. All of the old fears are kicking-in subconsciously; and those fears are etching a Check List into my conscious mind.

The Check List on my friend goes something like this: He isn’t really good enough for me because 1) He isn’t a college graduate; 2) He’s from a different ethnic background; 3) He works a blue-collar job; 4) He’s financially irresponsible; etc. etc. etc. On paper, all of this looks horrible to me. In my heart, none of these things matter. He’s my friend and I love him. But in my codependent head, I’m realizing that fear and false pride are trying to build a wall between myself and my friend.

I’m happy to say that the wall will never become a reality this time, because I know what’s going on today. There will be no bridge burning. In the past, I kept the Old Check List and used it as a justification to build walls, burn bridges and end relationships that were getting too intimate. It was all about fear of facing my feelings and of being hurt or abandoned. It was pure self-sabotage. But it will never happen to me again because I now understand what’s going on subconsciously inside of me.

There’s no one in this world who isn’t good enough for me, and there’s no one in this world who’s too good for me. That’s reality. And that reality invalidates everything that is currently on the Old Check List that’s recently been accruing in my mind concerning this particular friend.

Today, do some soul-searching to see if you, too, keep an Old Check List. Do you search for reasons to burn bridges and end relationships? What motivates you to do this? Is it what you really want? Are you too afraid of being vulnerable, or of being hurt and abandoned? All of these fears invite us to sabotage even the most beautiful of relationships. Get in touch with yourself today and make the choice to tear-up any Old Check List you have in your head that may cause you to replace bridges with walls.