Feeling Fully Alive

In the 1942 film Now, Voyager, there’s a very moving scene between Bette Davis (who plays Charlotte Vale) and Paul Henreid (who plays Jerry Durrance). It’s evening and the two are standing on the deck of an ocean-liner that’s heading toward Brazil. Earlier, they had spent the day site-seeing together.  Now, they’re sharing inner-secrets and taking time to actually be real with each other. Charlotte wipes away some very bittersweet tears and thanks Jerry for helping her to almost feel fully alive. It’s a touching, sad and yet hopeful moment for Charlotte—and those of us who can relate to her. 

I’m not sure that I know what it feels like to be fully alive. There are times when, for just a few fleeting seconds, I have felt fully free, exhilarated and alive. It’s as if I am suddenly a real person in a real world that is filled with love, opportunities and excitement. The sky is electric blue, the air is fully fresh and I feel like I can swim oceans. But the feeling quickly fades away and I return to feeling dead in my all-too-familiar inner prison cell. 

I’ve lived trapped inside of my head-world for so long that it has become a prison. I know I’m the jailor as well as the jailed. I must have the power to free myself, but I haven’t quite yet figured-out how. There must be some way to blast my way free. And I want to be free. I want to feel 100 percent fully alive-- always.

So what’s holding me back? Well, most likely fear. I still imprison myself with the beliefs that I am not fully acceptable or likeable as a person. I can walk down the street and catch myself saying “you’re a few pounds too fat,” or “you’re not masculine enough,” or “why couldn’t you be as handsome as that guy?”  More often than not, I’m trapped inside these thoughts all day long and they become the bars to my self-imposed prison cell. They zap all of the life out of me as they take me deeper into my inner-cocoon and numb me out to the rest of the world, to real life.

So what’s the solution? First, I have to be more aware of the self-negating statements that play through my head and keep me imprisoned inside my mind. These thoughts are poison and they make me fear and flee from others, even the people I pass on the street. The more comfortable I am with me, the less I will project negative ideas about myself onto others. And the less unsafe I will feel around them. 

Most likely, I won’t be able to pull these prison bars apart by myself. I will need the help of Higher Love. And so I will pray for Higher Love to lift me up out of my self-negativity and to take me to a higher place of self-affirmation. I will also work at actively surrendering my conscious fears to Higher Love. I want to be washed completely clean and free from them. Along with those fears, I will ask Higher Love to wash away my compulsion to control life In rigid ways. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to go with the flow of the moment. I want to simply be, speak, act, move, laugh, love, enjoy and thrill to each and every moment in the NOW.

Ultimately, I want to reach that point in my life where I can feel fully alive in each and every moment, just as Charlotte Vale is able to do as Now, Voyager draws to a close. She is glowing in her self-love, spontaneous in her actions and fully present to every breath, every smile and every moment. Like Charlotte,  I want to fully breathe-in the fragrance of another person; I want to dance through life’s every vivid moment; I want to spin with the wind and authentically greet everyone along my path; and I want to stretch to the sky and feel as electric as the stars. And I choose to start this new journey toward being fully alive right now. Let’s do it together. Come on, Higher Love. Let’s go for it. Life is calling my name! And life is calling your name, too. Go with the flow!