Who’s Yanking on Your Security Blanket?

Today I’m becoming aware that my feelings of safety and belonging are often tied to my (false) belief that I need to earn approval from others. Of course I can easily see that this is all tied into my long history of being the “good boy.” I was taught at an early age that I needed to earn a good approval rating from everyone else in this world. It was the only way that I was going to be acceptable.

Certainly I learned that I couldn’t be acceptable by simply being me. I had to earn it. I had to do all of the proper people-pleasing tricks so I could get a nice pat on the head and have people say “Oh, isn’t he sweet” or “What a nice boy.” I look back now and realize that I’ve spent most of my life being more of a Poodle than a person.

Even to this day, if I don’t follow all of the rules, as determined by others, I feel like I am in someway worthless and unlovable. People object, I don’t get my pat on the head and, as a result, I have my safety blanket yanked away from within me. Notice I said “from within me.” Who yanks the safety blanket away? The other person? No. I do. I yank it away from me, or rather I give it away as I give my power away to whomever I failed to please.

In reality, there are very few times when I refuse to please someone and then feel ostracized by them. Instead, I project my own ostracizing words and feelings on to them while I’m busy about punishing myself. No one really ostracizing me—but me.

So the only way to get past these negative feelings is to face them. I need to realize that I am the one who continues to link my being lovable-- and my ability to belong-- with my inner-need to gain approval from others. Next, I need to pray and work at dissolving my inner-need for approval. In reality I know I don’t need anyone’s approval but my own and God’s. I believe I have God’s, but I don’t yet fully have my own. Once I am able to fully gain my own approval, I won’t feel the need for anyone else’s.

If you, too, feel like you have to earn a Grade A approval rating from everyone, from family to friends to coworkers to the guy on the street, you have your work cut out for you as well. Start by becoming aware of your need for approval from others. Then ask your Higher Power for the ability to love yourself enough to offset any inner need you may have for outside approval. Allow this prayer to become a daily mantra and allow yourself to grow in self-love and self-approval.