What Is Your Love-Philosophy?

“Every minute, every hour

I'm gonna shower you with love and affection

Look out, it's comin' in your direction and I'm

I'm gonna make you love me

Oh, yes I will, yes I will

I'm gonna make you love me

Oh, yes I will, yes I will.”

I’m Gonna Make You Love Me 
(written by Kenneth Gamble, Leon Huff & Jerry Ross)
Performed by The Supremes & The Tempations

I remember the days long ago when “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” was not only my theme song, but my daily mantra. After all, there had to be some unsuspecting fool out there who I could shower with love and affection enough to make them love me. And, of course, I thought that in the process, as long as they were having to love me for all I did for them, they’d have to let me rearrange them and make them into who I really wanted them to be, too.

So I tried and tried through caretaking and people-pleasing to make people love me, but it never worked. Every person I took emotionally hostage, sooner or later balked at the idea that they owed me anything in return for my love (I use the term “love” loosely here); or they simply got tired of me trying to change them into whomever I wanted them to be and they all walked out on me.

Truth is there is nothing we can do to make anyone love us, aside from more completely evolving into being our true selves. If we want love, we have to first be willing to give it to ourselves. We have to love ourselves into the completeness of being the total person that God created us to be. Once we are willing to honestly love ourselves, we will begin to learn that love is not about doing anything for anyone. Love is about being. Love is simply about being who we are and allowing others to be who they are.

Looking back, I realize now that many of the people I tried to take emotionally hostage had qualities I liked, but they didn’t have enough of those good qualities for me to really love them. I didn’t love them for “being” who they were. I loved them for what I thought I could get from them, which was the love that I refused to give to myself. My love philosophy was all wrong. It was all about I give you a lot of “loving” so you’ll give me some emotional crumbs—at least initially. And after I’ve gotten some love crumbs from you, then I want more, and more and more. My messed-up ideas about love back then were all about “doing,” about constantly giving and taking.

But things are different today. The people I say I love today, I love because of who they are. I love their essence, their being. They don’t have to do anything for me, aside from being who they are—and that’s more than enough for me to love them. Richard, a good friend I’ve mentioned before, was the first person to really open my eyes and my heart to what love is.

I look back now and realize that it was a miracle. The day I realized that I loved Richard for simply being Richard marked a major milestone and miracle in my life. He’s the first friend I’ve encountered who loved me for me. I’ve never had to do anything for Richard to love me as his friend, except be me. And, likewise, when I came to realize that I loved Richard as a great friend, I also realized that the love I felt for him was in no way connected to anything he’d ever done for me. I love Richard for his personality, for the person inside of him, and for nothing else.

In recent years, I’ve learned that love is not about behavior. I can love someone despite their sometimes imperfect behavior. But I’ve also learned that love is not about doing, and so my focus is no longer on doing for others to make them love me. My focus now is on more fully becoming the person God intended me to be so that I will attract into my life those people who were created to love me for simply being me. They are the same people I was created to love for simply being themselves. And so my focus is on becoming more attuned to who people are inside of themselves. I’m learning that love comes naturally. You can’t make someone love you. Love can never be forced or earned. Love is accepting and cherishing people as they are to the very core of their essence. This is my love-philosophy.