Be Afraid of Losing Your Authentic Self, Not Toxic People

People-pleasing is a primary characteristic of codependency. By people-pleasing I mean being willing to do anything for someone else’s approval. True, most everyone wants the approval of other people. But an emotionally healthy person will not bend over backwards, or lose their own identity by enmeshing in another person to totally please them. Codependents will.

An unhealthy codependent will tell people they love certain movies if those people they’re trying to impress love that particular genre of film— and they will attend those very movies with the people they are trying to please, even if deep down they truly hate that genre. I used to do that all the time. Seemed most of the people I made into my false Higher powers loved blood and guts movies. I can’t stand them. But I sat through many of them to gain the approval of those people, and even lied to myself and them about how great the movie was as we were leaving the theater.

Before recovery, I can’t begin to name all of the various foods I ate at various restaurants because my false Higher Power liked those foods/restaurants. Looking back now, I realize I wasn’t merely seeking their approval, I was seeking to mesh or morph into being that other person. I believed it was a nightmare to be me. And I desperately wanted to lose all of me by fading into someone else.

I’m so happy today that those episodes, or horror stories, are part of my past and no longer part of my present. I’ve learned through recovery that if I feel the pressure of being forced to change my likes/dislikes, beliefs and favorite things in life to please another person, then that person is toxic for me. Now, it’s easy to let go of someone like that and allow them to walk away.

I’d much rather lose toxic people from my life, than feel the discomfort of losing myself. No one is worth that cost. And they’re certainly not worth my attention or concern. Letting go of them opens the door for healthier people who like the authentic me to enter my life.