Building a Relationship With a Toxic Person Is Like Drinking a Daily Dose of Poison

“You can’t lose someone who truly loves you,
and you can’t hold captive someone who doesn’t.”
Anonymous

If we are uncomfortable in our skin, we will often be fearful of losing people we “think” we love. I say “think” for a reason. When we are uncomfortable with ourselves we are often attracted to toxic people. We mistake the toxic-- usually addictive-- attraction for love. When we make this mistake we are actually fearful of losing the poison that has nearly killed us.  We become anxious and we search for ways to manipulate and control the other person so we can keep a tighter hold on our prisoner.

I believe our grip tightens because we mistakenly believe that if we lose this person, we will lose ourselves, our chance for happiness and our lives. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We can’t lose ourselves by losing another person unless we have long ago abandoned ourselves by fading into the other. We can’t lose our chance for happiness either, because we never had a chance for happiness with someone who is toxic for us. And we can’t lose our lives. We can’t lose what we’ve already given away, but we can get our lives back.

We can reclaim our lives by realizing we deserve better companions in our lives than the toxic captives we‘ve been holding hostage. Once we decide we deserve better—people who are emotionally available, loving and comfortable with themselves and us—we can loosen our grip on the people who have been our poison. We can free ourselves from being their “mini-me.“ And we can gradually fade-out of their persona and into our own authentic persona.

My favorite song back in 1995 was “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star. I loved the melancholy vocal, tune and lyric. It resonated with my need to target someone, take them captive and then fade into being them. This was how I justified my existence. Once I targeted someone, I took-on all of their likes and dislikes, opinions, beliefs and interests. I lived only to please them and to take care of their every need. I literally became their shadow. So to lose them was to lose my very self—or so I thought.

Then one day I realized that I had no life of my own because I had abandoned myself. I knew I had a God-given life that I could reclaim if I chose to do so. I was exhausted from trying so hard to be someone else, but fading into others also felt familiar and comfortable. Then it occurred to me that no one can successfully force their foot into Cinderella’s shoe-- no one can successfully live the life of someone else. The only life we can live successfully is our own and that means the real us has to be present for it. So I began the painful process of excavating the “real me” from the rubble of others. I stopped taking hostages and started making friends with people who liked me for being me, not for being them.

It’s been a long, often difficult but totally rewarding journey into self-discovery. It's a journey we can all make. All we have to do is choose to partner ourselves with a Higher Power and with others who are on similar pilgrimages of self-discovery. Walking along our new paths, we'll learn the importance of being real. We'll also come to believe that God has created people to be part of our lives; wonderful people who can only be attracted to the real "me;" people who will never abandon us because they truly love us. And so we won’t have to worry anymore about holding on to people who are most likely toxic for us. And If we're ever feeling the need to hold someone captive again, we'll know we're still trying to drink poison. We can then place that cup down, let go with love, and allow our souls to shine.