We Are Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings

"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you... When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Many of us seem to take life very personally. Someone can look at us the wrong way and our guts immediately tighten. "What did I do?" races through our minds. Our spirits plummet and in many cases our day is damaged. Think about it. How often has someone said or done something that we immediately took personally? Let's examine the following scenario as an example: We're on the way to the movies with our best friend, Paul, when his cell phone rings. We don't know who he's talking to, but he eventually says "Thanks. I'm glad someone in this world appreciates me."

Alarms go off in our heads: "What did he mean by 'I'm glad someone appreciates me'? I'm his best friend. I appreciate him. I do all sorts of stuff for him. I'm always pumping-up his morale when he's down on himself. Why that S.O.B.! After all I've done for him, he's going to tell me in this roundabout way that I don't appreciate him enough?" Paul gets off the phone and instantly notices that our disposition has changed. We've gotten a bit rigid since the steam started coming out of our ears. We tell him everything is OK-- in a manner that suggests that our words are quite hollow.

Paul knows something's wrong, but he doesn't have a clue what it is, since he never meant to infer that we don't give him enough appreciation. His comment had nothing to do with us. So he's baffled while we're replaying our interpretation of his words through our heads over and over again. Unbeknown to us, our reaction says a lot about how insecure we are in this relationship. Is there anyone reading this right now who can relate to this sort of behavior? Yeah, me too!

Let's analyze "our" behavior in the above example. First, was Paul talking to us while he was on the phone? No. We are not the person who called him. In reality, we were not involved in his conversation at all. We took ownership of Paul's conversation by placing ourselves into the middle of it. Big mistake on our behalf. Second, even if we had been part of the conversation, we needed to ask ourselves how else could we have interpreted his words "I'm glad someone in this world appreciates me"? 

There is more than one way to interpret anything someone says or does. We chose to jump to negative conclusions, most likely because we don't have a very high opinion of ourselves. We could have chosen to ask ourselves "What else could he have meant?" But we didn't. Next time we will know better. Next time we will give Paul the benefit of the doubt, realize that what he said or did had nothing to do with us, and save ourselves a whirlwind full of emotional suffering.

I agree with Don Miguel Ruiz that other people's behavior is about them, not us. Admittedly, this is difficult to accept because we have been so conditioned to feel responsible for the feelings of others. In reality, we are responsible for no one's feelings but our own. I've come to realize that when people are ugly toward us in any way, it's about them and their concept of reality. It's about their own personal brokenness and unresolved issues. We just happen to sometimes be in the way, or the line of fire, of the other person's poor behavior; but their behavior has nothing to do with us.

Ultimately, we have a choice. We can choose to take-on other people's issues and feelings, or we can choose to let go of them. So, next time Emily blows into the office like a tornado, we can choose to say to ourselves "Wow, is she in a bad mood today. Wonder what's wrong with HER?", instead of saying "Gees, what did I do wrong?" This will help us clarify the fact that Emily's mood is about Emily, not about us. By refusing to take ownership of Emily's bad feelings (and behavior), we allow her to retain ownership of what is rightfully hers. We also protect ourselves from unnecessary mental and emotional suffering because we are no longer manufacturing it for ourselves. 

Every time we choose to make ourselves responsible for another person's words or behavior, we are taking things personally; things that have nothing to do with us, and we are making ourselves miserable. No one else is doing this to us. We do it to ourselves-- and it's time to stop. So next time someone says or does something negative, let's say to ourselves "It's about them! Yes!" as we smile and go on our way. We'll retain our serenity, feel good in our skin and allow our souls to shine!