The Need to Control Makes Our Lives Unmanageable

“We admitted we were powerless over other people-- 

that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Step One, 12 Steps of Codependents Anonymous

Ever feel the desire to control the world around you? The need to control life is the biggest problem people bring to me. In reality, I wonder if it isn’t the root of almost every problem. “We want what we want and we want it now” is our daily mantra. We want the sun to shine, we want the kids to pick-up their clothes, we want the driver ahead of us to speed-it-up, we want to eat more and weight less, we want our spouse to pay more attention to us, we want our brother to go back to school, we want the boss to give us a raise, we want the dog to prepare it’s own dinner, and most of all-- we want God to be our own magic genie who does whatever we want.

Worse yet, we are usually prepared to plot, scheme and manipulate to make what we want a reality. Wanting something is one thing, exhausting ourselves (and others) trying to control every outcome, is another. But we’re up to the task-- that is until the task becomes a new nightmare. All it takes for our “perceived” power to come unraveled is a few raindrops, a tightening waistband, a brother who says “buzz off” or a spouse who ignores our every little pout-fest. We feel frustrated, angry and defeated. Then we remember we can still call on our magic genie, also known as God, and everything will be just the way we want! Or not.

We’re at the doctor’s office awaiting the results of our biopsy. Of course we know the results will be benign because we surrendered it to God. Yes, we gave it to God with the command “thou shall not allow me to have cancer!” And we haven’t worried about it since! That is until we allow our doctor’s somber expression to topple our little control-dynasty: “I’m afraid the tumor is malignant,” he says. In defiant disbelief we shout back inside our minds “But it can’t be! I prayed! I told God ‘NO CANCER!”

Prayer is not about telling God what to do, control is. Prayer is not about making demands, it’s about asking for help and then letting go. When we ask God for help, we must surrender our problem to God-- completely. Too often we hand God a problem, but refuse to let go. God’s holding on to one end of the problem and we’re clinging tightly to the other end. A tug of war ensues and we end up wrestling back the problem from God. Think of it this way, we ask a coworker to help us with a work-related problem. We place it on her desk and leave. Ten minutes later we return and, while she’s not looking, we take back the problem. How can she help us now? She can’t and neither can God. No one can help us if we won’t let them. We have to trust and let go-- One hundred percent.

Surrender (trusting and letting go) doesn’t guarantee things will work out our way. But admitting we are powerless will take the weight of the world off our shoulders and place it back onto God’s, where it rightfully belongs. God can do what we can’t do. The need to control has made our lives unmanageable. Admitting we are powerless over people, places, our health-- everything-- helps us regain clarity of mind. We are gradually better able to discern what we can honestly do to help ourselves or others from what we can’t possibly do. And we are better able to give what we can’t do to God. Surrender allows us to accept life on God’s terms. Surrender allows each day to become a new miracle, not a new nightmare. And surrender allows our souls to shine!