The Need to Always Be Right Is a Sign of Poor Self-Esteem

“You know I always had the strength to fight,
but I got tired of the wars at night.
Thinking they would end if I gave in,
but I wasn't strong enough
to let you win.”
Morten Harket & Havard Rem, To Let You Win*

Many of us have a hard time letting someone else win, even if we know deep-down that the other person is right. We think we are proving our superiority by always being right, but nothing could be further from reality. We are actually projecting our devastating feelings of inferiority to everyone around us. People who insist on being right all of the time do it for a reason. Their self-esteem is below poverty level. If they have to admit they are wrong about anything, they fear facing total annihilation.

The song “To Let You Win,” by Norwegian Pop group A-Ha, goes on to say “I thought you couldn’t love a man who had lost.” This points to the inner-motivator, the real problem behind the need to always be right: the human ego. Our ego tells us we have to be perfect to be lovable. Being perfect requires always being right about everything. It requires never being weak, never having feelings, never making mistakes and never being wrong. Essentially it requires us to proclaim we are God. After all, God is the only perfect being in all of the Universe. No one else is-- or can be-- right all of the time, or perfect in any way.

The ego is threatened by relationships and it likewise threatens every relationship in our lives. When we insist on being right all of the time, we are indirectly saying “It’s more important for me to be right than it is to have you be part of my life.” In other words, we tell our spouses, family, friends-- everyone-- that being right is more important to us than they are. Sadly, we know “the fight” and the compulsion to be right, but we don’t know “the cost” until people we care about opt-out of our lives, or simply learn to tolerate us.

Do we really want to fumble around usurping God’s identity through our insistent need to be infallible? Do we really want to isolate ourselves from everyone who loves us? Is our ego really so important to us? Hopefully not. Can we learn to change? Hopefully. We can start by admitting we aren’t actually God. Next, we need to surrender our pride to the real Master of the Universe. Then we need to open our hearts and face our inner-brokenness; the very brokenness that we have been so afraid to acknowledge and own before God or neighbor.

Once we surrender our brokenness to God, the healing process will begin. It will require positive self-affirmation in addition to God’s grace. As Louise Hay suggests in her wonderful book “You Can Heal Your Life,” we will need to stand before a mirror everyday and earnestly say to ourselves “I love and accept you just the way you are.” The more we say it, the more we will come to believe it. The more we learn to love and accept ourselves just the way we are-- flaws and all-- the more we will come to love others in the same way.

Essentially, our relationships with self, God and others will become much more important to us than our egos or any need to ever be right again. We will have learned to let love win, and nothing could ever feel more right. Allow your soul to shine!
*from the A-ha album Minor Earth, Major Sky.