Codependents Don't Make Friends, They Take Hostages

“To be free yourself, you have to release everyone else.”
Stephen C. Paul, Illuminations

We become prisoners to pain and suffering when we center our attention on other people, and attempt to take them hostage. Control is the issue here. When we become attached to another person, all of our energy zooms-in on what they are doing, how they are acting, who they are associating with and what they are saying. If at any point we disagree with their behavior, or feel like they are escaping from our ever-tightening grip, we immediately call in the Control Patrol and have the offender emotionally arrested. Then we shove him or her into a defendant’s chair and we assume the roles of prosecuting attorney, judge and jury.

We’re determined to prove we’ve been wronged in some way; most likely that we aren't getting one hundred percent of their attention. And so we growl with great mistrust: “Where were you last night? Why didn‘t you call me? You were supposed to call me like always. I called your number 54 times. Why didn‘t you answer? Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing?” Then we snarl “And be careful about your answers 'cause my Control Patrol’s been monitoring your every move! I‘ll know if your lying!” When the defendant fails to satisfy our doubts, we angrily declare him or her guilty of infidelity-in-the-first-degree, or dereliction of duty, for failing to give us every ounce of their attention 24/7. We then place him or her under house arrest. Sound familiar?

If our defendant has any self-worth (which isn’t likely since they’re still tolerating our smothering behavior), they’ll balk and tell us to get a life. Eventually, even if they have sub-zero self-esteem, they will escape from our prison-hold. No one likes to be walled-in or controlled by others. No one likes being treated like an animated doll in the clutches of a crazy person. The prison break will come, the relationship will end and-- to make matters worse-- we will most likely fault them for having victimized us. Rarely do we understand our own behavior, or the self-sabotage that keeps us from having healthy, happy relationships. Instead, we look to blame someone else for our mistakes, pout for a while and then start our hunt for a new hostage.

The above scenario may depict a prison guard and prisoner, but it actually contains two prisoners: one temporary and one eternal. The temporary one is the hostage we’ve been stalking and holding against their will (to some degree). You know, the one who always manages to escape, eventually. The eternal one is us. Our hostages manage to break free from us, but we never escape from ourselves or from our dysfunctional thought and behavioral patterns. We are forever a prisoner to our need to control others. We have given ourselves a sentence of life without parole. And we will never be free-- unless we learn to let go, to take our attention off of others and to begin focusing on ourselves. This requires therapy, a support group and guidance from a Higher Power.

Thankfully, we can begin helping ourselves right now. As our day unfolds, we can consciously be aware of who our attention is centered on. Are we hot and bothered because the guy in the next office babbled all morning in his delusional Mr. Know-It-All demeanor? Or are we preoccupied and groaning within because we’re stuck in our head, wondering what a certain someone is doing-- and with whom? If so, we are not focused on ourselves and we are not living our lives. We are giving our power away to a coworker that we are powerless to control, and we are still trying to live the life of that certain someone instead of living our own life.

Today, let’s take our focus off the others. Let’s focus on walking out of our self-imposed prison and walking into the sunshine of knowing and being attuned to ourselves. Let’s live to love our life, not to want someone else‘s. And let’s allow our souls to shine!