Who Made You Superman or Wonder Woman?

You can’t let someone down who has never been willing to pick him/her self up. Yet many people feel extremely guilty over their inability to rescue a friend or family member from addictive acting-out. Rescuing others is the stuff of Superman or Wonder Woman. It makes for exciting fiction, but it rarely applies to real life—unless you’re a fireman, police officer or medic. And even in these situations, we’re talking about the physical rescue of persons who can’t save themselves; not the emotional rescue of people who refuse to help themselves.

No person can perform a true emotional rescue on people who refuse to help themselves. After all, how can you help someone who isn’t willing to admit they have a problem? How can you help someone who isn’t willing to own their problem and to take responsibility for their own life? You can’t. And if you try hard to rescue them, you will find yourself eventually enabling them to stay stuck in their addictive nightmare. People who insist on rescuing others gradually end up living the life of the person they are trying to rescue—instead of living their own life. The rescued person then has no motivation to change because they don’t have to live their life anymore. When there’s an issue they just have to mention it to their Superman or Wonder Woman and he/she will take care of it.

If you are feeling the need to rescue someone, ask yourself some basic questions, like: 1) Why am I trying to save this person? Is it because I feel empty in my own life and so I have to look outside myself for some excitement? Is it because I need to be needed by someone in order to feel alive myself? Is it because I feel guilty? Have I made myself responsible for this person because they are my spouse, brother/sister, child/parent, or friend? 2) Who’s problem am I trying to solve? If the problems at hand aren’t mine, why am I trying to solve them? How and when did I become the savior of this person? Who made me their indispensable god? How can I be responsible for someone else’s behavior or problems?

Many people become obsessed with saving others because they are really trying to safe themselves. They are subconsciously trying to save themselves from what they perceive as their boring and purposeless life. The very act of rescuing someone else makes them feel alive. It gives their life meaning to be able to solve the problems of others; and they (mistakenly) think that it will give them value in the eyes of those they attempt to rescue. They (mistakenly) think they will be needed and loved for their heroism. This rarely happens. People who refuse to rescue themselves simply need a crutch. The rescuer becomes that crutch and nothing more. No one can earn love by attempting to rescue others.

Sometimes people get caught up in rescuing friends or family members because they have taken on a false responsibility for an individual. The rescuer feels responsible for the other person’s behavior, for their misfortune, for their lack of self love and for their addictive acting-out. They feel guilty that this person is suffering and that they aren’t doing anything about it. But the truth is exactly this: You cannot be responsible for anyone’s life or behavior except your own (unless you have a child who is under 18 years old). No adult is responsible for the behavior of another adult. If someone is blaming you for their behavior, if they’re playing the Blame Game, then you need to set them straight. No one-- not you, the devil or anyone else-- made them do anything. Unless you placed a gun to their head or used coercion or blackmail, you cannot be responsible for the choices someone else has made. If you are accepting responsibility for someone else’s behavior it’s probably because you have allowed them to guilt you into being responsible for their self-destructive behavior.

Countless people blur the boundary between their problems and other people’s problems. Here is the proper boundary:

Your problems directly affect you. For example, you have been diagnosed with heart disease; or your spouse has filed for divorce; or you received a pink slip at work. These problems all directly impact you, and they may also indirectly impact those who care about you. Those people will comfort you and they may help you in ways that you can’t help yourself, but they will not take ownership of your issues unless they have a codependent blurred sense of boundaries.

Other people’s problems indirectly affect you. Sure. If your son or daughter is having surgery to remove a tumor, you will be concerned for them, but it is not your problem because it doesn’t directly affect you. You are not the one who has the tumor or who needs the surgery. If, however, you are worried and upset to the point that you have taken ownership of your child’s medical condition, then you have overstepped your boundaries. You can’t own someone else’s problem. It is not yours to own and it’s not yours to solve. You can feel for them, pray for them and help them if they ask for help, but you are not the one who is directly affected. The same is true for any other problem that is not yours to own: marital problems, alcoholism/drug addiction, financial problems, etc.

There is only one legitimate super power/savior in this galaxy and it’s not you: It’s God, or a Higher Power of your own understanding. When you feel the need to rescue someone else, ask yourself “Why am I trying to save this person?” and “Who’s problem is this?” If your motives are selfish (because I need to be needed) or if you determine it’s not your problem, then let go and surrender the person and the problem to your Higher Power. Hang up your Superman or Wonder Woman cape, allow God to be God, and allow your soul to shine!