The Pain We Resist Becomes Part of Our Existence

"When you resist the truth that the event has offered you, you are extending the experience of it. Your continued resistance of it keeps it alive as a part of your existence."

Howard Falco, I AM

Facing the issues of our past is an essential step in recovery. It's how we reclaim our personal power. Once we face the past, we no longer fear it. And once we take the time to forgive those who have hurt us, they no longer have any power over our feelings or lives. Facing, accepting and feeling the hurt of past experiences are essential steps toward releasing our pain and resentments. Grieving is the process of healing. Once we have fully grieved our loses, we are able to forgive and forgiveness sets us free from the past. 

Yet many of us resist grieving and forgiving. And as Howard Falco says, we extend the negative experience of what has happened by making it part of our very existence. It lives alive inside of us until we choose to drop our resistance. In essence, the pain of the past becomes a cancer that connects to our hearts. It breathes with us, walks with us, makes our stomachs churn and darkens our thoughts. We become puppets-- by our own choosing-- of the very people who have harmed us. We give them complete control over our thoughts and feelings, and over our spiritual and physical wellness. Sadly, this can become the history of our lives. As long as we resist the reality of the past, as long as we resist allowing ourselves to heal, we will suffer.

Of course, it makes no sense to hold on to the darkness of the past or to make it part of who we are. But many of us do hold on to it, so what's the pay-off? For some people, I think the pay-off is pity. Some of us like being pitied by others. We enjoy being the victim or martyr. For others the pay- off is a twisted form of revenge. We mistakenly think we are the ones wielding the power over our perpetrators by refusing to forgive them. We see them as our puppets-- dangling on strings, having to gravel before us and clamor for our forgiveness-- when nothing could be farther from reality. We are delusional if we believe they are at our mercy because we are withholding forgiveness. The opposite is true. We are the ones wearing the puppet strings. We are at their mercy because we refuse to set ourselves free by refusing to forgive.

If we are stuck between the need to forgive and the need for revenge, we can always ask God for help. Our Higher Power can help us to sit with our wounds and to be fully present to them. Old wounds reflect the shadows of the past. The shadows are remnants of reality, but our pain is still real. This means we have to allow ourselves to REALLY FEEL the pain that we have been denying. God will lead us. All we have to do is sit and remain willing. We may need to sit quietly for a long time and allow tears to roll down our cheeks. Or we may need to fall to our knees, scream profanities, shake all over with agony, bang our fists on the ground and cry buckets. Every one of us is unique and it makes no difference how we need to grieve as long as we do it in the way that is right for us-- the way that sets us free. Being free means allowing ourselves to really feel the pain, accept it instead of fighting or running from it, and releasing it into God's hands.

Remember two things: 1) No one benefits from being a victim-- of themselves or others. There's no good pay-off to being the martyr; and 2) the need for revenge is an illusion of the ego. Holding on to this false need makes us the victims of greater pain. No one suffers but us when we listen to our egos. Let's listen to the voice of Love instead. Love tells us to face our hurts, heal them and receive the grace to forgive-- to take back our personal power and move forward in life free from the shadows of the past. Let's follow the advice of Love and allow our souls to shine!