What We Believe About Ourselves We Will Become

“It is what you believe about yourself (I AM) 
that is demonstrated through your actions.”

Howard Falco, I AM

 What we believe about ourselves and what we project to the world are often at opposites with each other. This is probably why we are seldom comfortable inside ourselves. If we are living with the belief that “I am unlovable,” we will find ourselves in conflict with the basic human need to be loved. Our stomachs will churn and we will live in a heightened state of anxiety. Worse yet, we will be forced to present a false image of lovability to others. This will then cause us to feel like phonies. Our anxiety will escalate twofold: 1) because we feel fake and 2) because we will be fearful of being found out.

Oddly enough, our only relief will come in proving our original belief—“I am unlovable”—by being found out. Actually, we are never really “found out” because we work hard at giving ourselves away. We make our great secret well enough known to the world around us through our words and actions. It’s commonly referred to as self-fulfilling prophesy, or self-sabotage.

As long as we believe “I am unlovable,” our egos will work hard to protect this belief. Seems odd, doesn’t it? Why would we want to own such a sad belief? And it is the belief that is the problem, not the ego. We blame the ego for everything bad under the sun today, but all the ego does is its job—which is to affirm our beliefs. The actual downside of the ego is that it will use any means necessary— manipulation, rationalization, denial, etc.—to validate our beliefs.

As long as we hold on to the belief that “I am unlovable,” our egos will ensure that this belief is validated. And as long as we are human, we will have the basic inherent need to be loved. This is where the constant conflict comes in. We desire to be loved, but we believe we are unlovable. The desire for love motivates us to search for someone to love us, and yet the ego is responsible for ensuring that we will never find that person because we are “unlovable.”

This is why when we meet someone who actually expresses an interest in us, we respond with disbelief. We think to ourselves “This is too good to be true,” or “Just wait until they get to know the real me.” We often expect the relationship to end before it can begin and so we wait for the other shoe to drop—or rather, we work hard to make sure that it does.

Because we believe “I am unlovable,” our egos will do all that is within their power to prove this belief to be true. We will say hurtful things, be inconsiderate, show up late for dates and act like we’re worthless or extremely needy. One way or another, the interested party will lose their interest, the other shoe will drop and we will sit justifiably satisfied. We will have proven our point, validated our belief: We are indeed unlovable.

I remember being on a date back in 1990 with someone I was enamored with, but believed was too good for me. I somehow managed to ask this person to have dinner with me at The Bristol. We had wonderful conversation and everything was going smoothly until the check arrived: I refused to pick up the tab and insisted we go “dutch.” At the time, I knew it was a mistake. Part of me was screaming “Are you nuts?” But part of me felt relieved. That was our first and last date. And now I understand what happened. My ego kicked-in to validate my multiple negative self-beliefs of “I am not lovable” and “I am not good enough for this person.” Both beliefs were rumbling around in the back of my mind the entire evening.

For years I’ve regretted that date night. In many ways I still feel sick about it. But at least now I understand why I did what I did. I fulfilled my own self-condemning beliefs about myself, and this is why I felt a certain level of peace in the center of my great inner-storm. I no longer had to pursue someone who was unattainable, based in my self-deprecating beliefs. The other shoe had dropped, and I was the one who had dropped it.

It’s time we all analyzed our negative self-beliefs. We need to face them and choose to change them into positive self-beliefs. Once we are able to do so, we will stop sabotaging our own happiness because our egos will work to validate our new positive self-beliefs. We will find ourselves feeling more relaxed and comfortable, and we will know the inner-contentment of allowing our souls to shine.