Detachment Is a Spiritual Awakening

“Happiness is a byproduct of the way we live our own lives,

not the way others live theirs.”

Karen Casey, Codependence and the Power of Detachment

Detachment is a major buzzword in codependent recovery circles. So what is detachment? It’s the process of realizing that we are enmeshed in the lives of others, admitting that we are powerless over them and then making the conscious choice to separate or detach ourselves from the people whose lives we’ve been trying to live. Part of losing ourselves in those people involves the need to control them. We mistakenly believe that if we can control them and make them be and do exactly what we want, we will finally be happy.

This type of codependent thinking, believing that our happiness is the byproduct of how other people live their lives, is modeled perfectly by Hannah, the character from the movie Pilgrimage that I wrote about yesterday. She was so enmeshed in her son Jim, so caught up in the belief that her happiness was dependent on controlling his life, that she bled the life out of the person she loved most.

Eventually, as the film Pilgrimage progresses, Hannah has a spiritual awakening in France. She meets a young man named Gary, who is very much like her son Jim. Through Gary, Hannah learns that even if a son doesn’t always act the way you want, or do the things you demand, he is still lovable and you can still be happy. She learns that Gary’s behavior is about Gary and that Gary has to meet his own needs for happiness. You see, Gary’s mother is as much enmeshed in Gary as Hannah was in Jim.

Like Hannah, Gary’s mother has been living vicariously through her son, and she doesn’t approve of the girl he has chosen to marry. She has made Gary’s life so miserable that when Hannah meets Gary, he’s drunk and seems to be considering jumping from a bridge. In encountering Gary, Hannah has the spiritual whereabouts to be concerned for his safety, but to refrain from caretaking him.

As Hannah hears Gary’s story, she sees how it parallels Jim’s, and she sees the errors of her past behavior. She comes to understand that her happiness wasn’t dependent upon Jim and the way he chose to live his life. She comes to understand that Jim had enough love for both her and Mary, the girl he loved. And she comes to understand that her very own controlling behavior destroyed Jim’s happiness, Mary’s and her own.

When Hannah meets Gary’s girl, Suzanne, she is able to treat Suzanne with all of the love and understanding that she was never able to share with Mary. Hannah is then determined to intervene with Gary’s mother and she does. She helps Gary’s mother to see that she has been enmeshed in Gary the same way Hannah had been enmeshed in Jim. She also helps Gary’s mother to see that Gary has a right to his own happiness and that her happiness is not dependent upon Gary or how he chooses to live his life. And that if she doesn’t detach, she will lose Gary while destroying any chance she may have for true happiness.

Before leaving France, Hannah goes to the military cemetery where Jim is buried. She falls down on her hands and knees and begs Jim for forgiveness. Her eyes have been opened and she is willing to throw her pride aside and make amends in the only way she knows how. On returning to Arkansas, she goes to Mary and asks Mary for her forgiveness. The two of them have a good cry and then Hannah reaches out to her only grandson, Little Jimmy. Everyone is reconciled and their world is back on track toward lasting happiness.

Our happiness truly is a byproduct of how we choose to live our lives. We never find happiness through trying to live the lives of others. If Hannah had learned these lessons sooner, maybe she and her family would have experienced happiness beyond compare. We’ll never know. It was too late for Jim to be part of that happiness, but it was not too late for Hannah, Mary and Little Jimmy.

And it’s never too late for us either. If you are trapped in the belief that your happiness revolves around the life of someone else, it’s time to detach and to let go of that belief. You cannot ensure your happiness by trying to control the behavior or the lives of others. So, it’s time to realize that no one can provide you with the happiness that you can only experience through living your own life—and no one else’s life.

People we love—and maybe have enmeshed in—can be beautiful parts of our lives and they can add to our happiness. But they cannot be the foundation for our happiness. We have to be the foundation of our lives and our happiness. Once we are, we can enjoy the love and happiness others share with us. And as we share with others, we will find that their happiness compliments the happiness we already posses in-and-of ourselves—and all is well.