Real Love Flows Freely

“You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours

and think that counts as love.”

Sam to Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The average codependent is very good at putting everyone else’s lives ahead of his own. Everyone else comes first for an active codependent because he believes that everyone counts in this world—except him. Since he thinks he doesn’t count, he has to find value somehow. And so it seems logical to him to find value in earning affection, much like everyone earns a paycheck at work.

So, the codependent person becomes accustomed to putting everyone else’s needs first. “Your wish is my command” is a primary codependent motto. The average codependent subconsciously repeats this motto to herself as she busies herself attending to the every want and need of others while neglecting her own. She then anxiously awaits the payoff, which is usually receiving a few crumbs of affection in return.

And all the while, Mr. or Ms. Codependent mistakenly believes that all of their caretaking counts as love.

Most of my life, my only concept of love was based in the belief that I had to earn love from others. I had no idea that love was a natural gift that flows spiritually between people. It never flowed spiritually for me. I learned at an early age that love came with strings attached.

I don’t remember receiving unconditional love as a child. All of the “love” I experienced had to be earned by jumping through all of the right hoops. I learned at a very young age that you earned love in one of two ways: Either 1) you learned to caretake, or do what someone else wanted, regardless of how much pain it might cause you; or 2) you learned to manipulate people into giving you the “love” you desperately wanted. There was nothing natural about love, as I learned it. Love was work for those of us who came to believe we weren’t naturally lovable.

But caretaking and manipulating don’t count as love. These aren’t forms of love. They are forms of abuse—self-abuse and abuse of others. So if you are still busy trying to earn love from others by placing their lives ahead of your own, please stop. Get to a CODA or Al-Anon meeting and start the process of learning to value yourself. Start learning that you do count and that you are worthy of the highest spiritual love—which is freely given and never earned. Start today!