Reclaiming Your Soul

“At least I call my soul my own. Do you?”

Michael Grant, Theodora Goes Wild (1936)

It’s pretty important to be able to call your soul your own. Those of us who grew up under the thumb of an overly codependent mom or dad were never allowed as children to claim our souls as our own. Our souls belonged to the parent who felt he/she had the privilege to live our lives for us by telling us who we were to be, what we were to like, what we were to believe, etc. And if we rebelled in any way, this same parent was a pro at using shame, guilt and fear to keep us in our place.

I lived under my mother’s thumb until the day she died. Actually, I have still been living under her thumb to varying degrees in the 20 years since her death. She did a really good job of taking my soul away from me from the time I was born. She made it clear that I could not be who I am and that if I chose to engage in certain behaviors I was doomed to a life of misery and to eternal damnation. I understand that she did this with the sincerest belief that she was protecting and saving me, but that doesn’t remedy all of the damage it did to me.

For years now I have fought to take my soul back from my mother and from all who preach fear and shame. I look back at my mother and I believe now that she needed me as a crutch. She needed me to lean on and she needed to make sure that I would always be there for that purpose. This meant that she needed to break my spirit so that I would also need to rely on her as a crutch, which is exactly what happened. We became two codependent maniacs who fed off each other in an ill-perceived and doomed-to-fail false support system.

It’s been a tough struggle trying to reclaim my soul. The struggle has all been internal and it’s been a matter of eliminating my fears. I was taught to believe that I couldn’t make it on my own, so I couldn’t possibly be my own person. In so many ways I was the Charlotte Vale character in the 1942 film Now, Voyager. I was convinced by my mother that if I tried to be my own person and live my own life as I saw fit, disaster would await me.

My mother had me believing that just when I decided I could be independent, just when everything seemed to be falling into place for me, BOOM----- God would get me. God would punish me and make my whole life one series of shameful failures if I refused to live by my mother’s will. And I believed this for a long, long time. It’s tragic how childhood conditioning is so powerful that it can stunt your growth completely as a person well into adulthood. But this is what happened to Charlotte Vale and it’s what happened to me.

It’s also what happened to the characters of Theodora Lynn and Michael Grant in the film Theodora Goes Wild. I’m afraid that I’ve never quite recovered my soul well enough to go as wild as Theodora does, but I am making progress.

Like Charlotte Vale, I’m learning to say “I’m not afraid anymore… I’m not afraid, Mother.” Shame and fear rob us of our souls. Shame and fear drive us to misery and depression. And shame and fear also drive us into addictive behaviors. So shame and fear are our two worst enemies. They mark the beginning of the addictive personality and the addictive cycle in our lives, and so we need to free ourselves from them if we are to regain our souls.

I’m learning to take my soul back and to own it by loving myself better and by facing my fears of moving forward. Risk-taking has never been easy for me because I was coerced into believing I couldn’t succeed at anything without my mother’s approval. I know now that I no longer need hers on anyone else’s approval. So I am much better at taking risks, at believing in myself enough to take charge of my life and to move forward.

Today, If I get a “No,” or I find that a door is closed to me, I move forward looking for a “Yes and a new open door. This hasn’t been easy but the more I say “Yes” to myself, the easier it gets. It used to be that if I got a “No” or if a door slammed in my face, I was devastated. Now I am empowered by it. It makes me all the more determined to look further for that “Yes” and that newly opening door that’s just waiting for me to walk through it and enjoy success.

Fear and shame can no longer hold me back because I am in charge now and I have given them their walking papers. Oh, sure I still have little bouts with both of them, but I know now that this is normal and that I will be the victor in the end, as long as I WANT to be. So I am reclaiming my soul and you can do the same.