Self-Care Keeps Us from Running on Emotional Empty

“Don’t think I didn't deserve what I lost
I run empty until
I feel nothing inside
I run empty until
I feel nothing inside
Oh, don’t think I didn't deserve what I got.”
Tegan & Sara, I Run Empty

Codependents, like most addicts, are used to running empty inside. In fact, it was our entire way of life prior to recovery. We were taught, usually by a parent, that all of our attention and personal resources were to be spent, or used-up, by taking care of the needs of others.

Through observing the patterns of behavior between my mother and father, I learned that relationships were based on give and get. Love was all about how much I could give to others and how much I could then get in return from those same people. Like many people who grew-up in addictive households, I was taught at a very young age that self-love and self-care were extremely bad—even sinful. I got the message loud and clear: You are not to love or take care of yourself! I thus learned to consider myself unworthy of giving myself any form of mental, emotional or spiritual self-care.

At first, I felt hopeless. But then I learned that if I focused completely on pleasing others, there might be hope for me. Despite being unlovable and unworthy of love, I might just be able to earn love from someone else by taking care of their every need, pleasing them and gaining scraps of affection in return.

This is the behavior that I then invested in for the first 30 some odd years of my life. I gave-gave-gave to others and then I waited for them to throw me a few scraps of love. More often than not, I did all of the giving and received next to nothing in return because I chose to give to people who couldn’t possibly reciprocate—not even on a dysfunctional level.

Admittedly, I had few inner-resources to give from within me. But I somehow-- through shear willpower, I suppose-- always managed to have something inside to give to my newest emotional-hostage. I was always able to lavish them with attention and smother them with codependent care.

Looking back now, however, I realize that everyone I chose to take emotionally-hostage was an extreme victim to the hundredth degree. It’s a wonder any of them could cross a street by themselves, or wipe their own noses. So it’s no wonder that-- although I was running on emotional empty and able to meet their needs-- they weren’t able to reciprocate at all. They were beyond emotional empty. They were among the emotionally dead.

In recent years, I‘ve learned that if I am running on emotional empty, I do get what I deserve and I have no one to blame but me. And I’ve learned that I have to make the time to take good care of me. No one else is responsible for taking care of me but me. And thankfully, I don’t take emotional-hostages anymore and try to make them responsible for my self-care.

I still at times need to remind myself how worthy I am of proper self-care, though. This means catching myself when I want to emotionally medicate with food, or I am wanting to skip a CODA meeting, or I am wanting to lay around instead of exercising.

It also means waking-up when I’ve left my spiritual practices behind and am, instead, spending too much time watching television or surfing the internet as desperate means of escaping from myself. Sometimes I still zombie-out mentally and forget how important it is to spiritually renew myself. Then I have to get back into the practice of renewing myself from within by asking for guidance in loving myself and in having the clarity to make good life-giving choices for myself.

So if you’re running on emotional empty, it’s time to stop. Be responsible for your own mental and emotional well-being by taking proper spiritual care of yourself. No one else will ever do it for you because no one else can do it for you. Only you can meet your most basic needs for self-love and self-fulfillment.