Taming the Thunder Storms Inside

“Summer's gone, winter's in your eyes
I can feel the thunder storms inside
I wake every morning and the cold winds cover me
All I've got's a ghost of what could be…
I've got a heart of stone and it's sinking deep inside
I want to tell you love I'm too proud to cry
If you can see the lights shine in front of me
If you can see the lights shout out where you'll be.”
See the Lights by Simple Minds

I know what it’s like to be around someone and to feel the “thunder storms inside” of me. It makes no difference if it’s one person or a whole party filled with people. I am now very aware of the storms that crash and thunder inside of me; the nervous tension that’s screaming “Let’s get out of here! I don’t feel safe! Run, run, run back to your car, to your house and hide!”

Yes, I’m aware of the inner-storms that scream for me to run for cover—and I’m learning to allow them to subside without my having to run away from anyone, including myself. A friend recently invited me to attend an art-gallery showing of his daughter’s photographs. The evening of the event, I was hesitant to attend and felt the storms brewing inside of me.

I don’t share any friends in common with this particular friend and so I feel uncomfortable attending some of his functions or parties. Most of the discomfort is coming from the scared inner-teen inside of me. He remembers attending high school parties with friends and freaking-out.

High school parties were always difficult for me. Various friends would invite me to attend parties with them, usually because they were trying to rescue me from my self-imposed isolation. We’d arrive at a party and I’d find I didn’t really know anyone. My social skills were so poor that I didn’t know how to mingle. And, of course, that was further exasperated by the fact that I wasn’t willing to open up and share anything about myself.

After a few parties, I quickly learned that if I wasn’t willing to talk about who I am, what I like, what I believe, etc., then I had little-to-nothing to talk about aside from the weather. So conversations quickly fizzled.

I also learned that most people weren’t willing to open up and talk about themselves if I wasn't willing to open up in the same way. So most people excused themselves and walked away leaving me standing alone—and terrified. I felt rejected and vulnerable like a freak who just didn’t fit in anywhere. So, I’d run back to the friend who brought me to the party and cling to his side like a leech for the rest of the evening. I was so super needy.

Neediness is never attractive, however. And the longer we stayed at the party, the more uncomfortable I felt. I just wanted to melt into a puddle of nothing on the floor or die in someway. Anything to relieve my anxiety about being me in a group of strangers I couldn’t connect with. My discomfort and clinging quickly made my friend uncomfortable. Eventually, he’d be uncomfortable enough to say “Let’s go.” He’d drop me off at home and I’d never get another invitation to attend a party with that particular friend again.

That’s the history of my thunder storms inside. Now let’s flash-forward to my current friend’s art gallery gathering. Yeah, I felt the discomfort inside from the moment I arrived, but I told myself “It’s OK.” I decided to be aware of the storms raging inside of me without being controlled by them. When I arrived at the gallery, I talked with my friend then looked around at the photographs on display. Afterwards, I took the time to talk with other people who were there and to stay “present” to them. I took the risk of opening up and sharing who I am with them.

Most of the evening was a process of calming the fears of my inner-teenager and going against my gut feelings which kept repeating “Let’s get out of here!” I felt what my fearful feelings were saying to me, I felt the anxiety and decided that it was all OK. I’m an adult now. I can protect the frightened inner-teen and myself. I realized I didn’t have to be controlled by these storms inside. I could just be aware of them. And somehow I got the power I needed to open-up, talk with and really engage with other people.

If it had been up to the scared inner-teenager inside of me, I’d have left after first viewing the photographs. But it wasn’t up to that teenager anymore. It was up to the adult me. And the adult me wanted to live for an evening. So I comforted the teenager inside of me and then chose to be an adult. I took the risk of being fully present in the NOW at the gathering and I enjoyed it, despite the thunder storms inside.

Next time you feel thunder storms raging inside of you, take the time to get in touch with those feelings. Acknowledge them and allow them to be. See if you can trace them back to a previous time in your life. Maybe it’s your inner-child or inner-teen whose frightened, and all you need to do is calm him or her. You can do this by claiming ownership of your adult life, ensuring your inner-child that it’s safe and allowing yourself to be comfortable with the feelings that are thundering inside of you. Embrace the feelings with love.

Realize that these feelings are from the past and that the past is gone. Be with the feelings, but don’t be controlled by them. Allow the adult in you to be in control, and ask your Higher Power to help you. Acknowledge that you are safe in the moment with others and that you’d like to spend more time sharing with others. Go against your gut and allow yourself to grow past your fears and discomforts. Then allow yourself to be spontaneous and in the flow of the moment where you can enjoy yourself. This is how we grow into living life more fully. See the lights emanating from inside of you and allow your spiritual self to guide you away from your fears and into the Light of truly living!